I'm happy to say we're nearing the end of the compiling phase of the project. We are continuing to seek submissions, but we are rounding out the collection. I know that this project will lead to more stories coming out, more guys coming forward. We're giving guys permission to speak out about being abused in their relationships.
This project has been an adventure for me, and a chance to meet a lot of new people. My role as editor has been to seek out stories from all over the world, and we have put together quite a stunning and provocative document on men who have been abused by women. When I began, I had no idea how common these situations are. I now understand more than I ever did about the issue, and I know our readers will too. It's eye-opening and mind-blowing. No one who reads this book will be able to look at the issue in the same way again.
The project has been received with open arms. Everyone I have spoken to has been very positive and supportive. I initially feared that this hot-button issue would polarize and inflame a lot of people. We don't believe that anyone should be abused. We aren't trying to diminish the efforts of the Women's Movement, which has worked hard to bring awareness to violence against women. We have our own battle to fight, and it's going to be an uphill battle, but it has to be fought diligently and sensibly.
Anti-abuse movements gain traction when the victims themselves tell their stories. This is a politically charged issue. But when the victim speaks out, everyone can agree. It's a grand injustice. Men are abused in many ways, and the legal system doesn't do enough to protect them. The stories are brutal and honest. Most men aren't given permission to be honest about what has happened to them. They are ridiculed for it. If the woman is retaliating against a man that has abused her, then I believe she is justified. If the man has been wrongfully abused by a woman, then he needs to speak up about it.
The book is designed to bring new awareness to the issue. We want the stories. The most powerful action men can take is to go public with their story, in a safe and effective format. We publish our stories anonymously, and everyone's information is kept confidential.
Monday, October 31, 2011
Monday, October 3, 2011
Dangerous Politics
I'm giving up on an argument I'm having with some dudes. This past week, our Vice President appeared on The View, and it seems to have shaken some people up. His Violence Against Women Act is getting severely criticized by some men's groups. The act doesn't include anything about violence against men, and that has become an issue.
Violence against men is going to be tricky to prosecute. There are laws in place, and officials in place that have been unfair to men in some cases. In fact, in all of the abuse cases I have read, the law has been hugely unfair. But creating new legislation is going to be hard. Here are some reasons why:
I discovered my own flexibility when it comes to the politics of abuse. I don't see any political party that is dealing with domestic abuse against men. So to villify feminists or their allies, that's a complete and utter waste of time. It's the wrong fight. Lawmakers on either side of the aisle need to be aware of the issues. I answer the complaints against Biden with a call to publicly share abuse stories. Get it out in the public dialogue. I believe that other anti-abuse groups have used this strategy, very successfully. Put a human face on it. I know the changes that came over me when I first read these stories. The same will happen to many people.
Violence against men is going to be tricky to prosecute. There are laws in place, and officials in place that have been unfair to men in some cases. In fact, in all of the abuse cases I have read, the law has been hugely unfair. But creating new legislation is going to be hard. Here are some reasons why:
- Abuse against men is not cultural. It is not common. It is aberrant behavior that comes up in certain situations. It is not a thing we can yet pin down as being common within any one age group, any one community.
- The laws developed after a long struggle. The Women's Movement is still fighting upstream for the legislation that can protect them. If the Men's Movement wants to get equal protection, then it will have to fight its own battle. It won't be able to jump onto existing legislation. It has to be its own issue.
- The Men's Movement needs organization and leadership. And it needs a clear message. If the public detects one mote of anti-feminist or misogynist thought within the mission, it will never gain traction.
- Men are often falsely accused of abuse in divorce cases. It seems that a mere accusation can trigger an investigation. If the penalties for falsely accusing a spouse were tougher, then this might help. HOWEVER, if a law were to come about requiring a woman to show evidence of her abuse, or even rape, before making these accusations, then we won't be able to get anywhere. Men need a kind of protection against these allegations, but it cannot be so binding that it lets ritual abusers go free, just because their partner does not have sufficient evidence. It's tricky!
- When domestic violence is reported, the male is often arrested, no matter if he shows physical evidence or not. If police were to delay the arrest until they see cause, then both partners could be brought in for questioning, and no one would be arrested until a consensus could be reached by a team of caseworkers, police, etc. When the charges are wrongly levied upon a man, he has to fight it to the bitter end.
- Lawyers need to be overseen by law enforcement when a criminal accusation is made. The attorney needs to be held accountable if their client has made false statements.
I discovered my own flexibility when it comes to the politics of abuse. I don't see any political party that is dealing with domestic abuse against men. So to villify feminists or their allies, that's a complete and utter waste of time. It's the wrong fight. Lawmakers on either side of the aisle need to be aware of the issues. I answer the complaints against Biden with a call to publicly share abuse stories. Get it out in the public dialogue. I believe that other anti-abuse groups have used this strategy, very successfully. Put a human face on it. I know the changes that came over me when I first read these stories. The same will happen to many people.
Monday, September 26, 2011
Get Organized
Today I was delighted to see dozens of messages on abused-men's message boards about getting organized, and protesting the unfair treatment of men in the legal system. Yes, men are mistreated by the courts in divorce and domestic violence committed against them. It's an outrage.
But any movement needs to start with leadership. I believe that it's out there. One Yahoo! group has 921 members as of today. That's a movement right there. And there is passion there.
But passion is only one ingredient. An anti-abuse movement will also need a sharp message. I don't believe that any equality can be reached through bashing of either gender. Men's groups that support their members might be more successful than groups formed to knock feminists off of a high-horse.
I have encountered militant feminists before. Separatists who believe that men are not necessary. They openly disregard the entire male gender. I had a women's studies professor who was really off base. I consulted with another friend who taught the same subject, and told her that I had suffered unfair treatment in the class. Which I did. My friend introduced me, at age 19, to a new concept: The New Oppressor.
She said that by forming anti-male ideals, this professor was essentially becoming the New Oppressor. Anyone who is taking up the gender-bashing approach is missing the point. There are always certain individuals who spoil the broth and cloud the issues. A masculist movement will struggle to be heard.
The thing is, we have to figure out what we're fighting for here. We are fighting against abuse. Not against women. Here is where the Women's Movement and the Men's Movement can come together. No one wants to be abused.
Women who commit abuse are not heroic. They are sometimes painted as such. They are justified, it might seem, because they are fighting against a male-dominated culture. But no one should be immune to the law. Assault is illegal. And men are often accused of abuse when they themselves are the ones who have been abused. It is unfair. It is unjust. That is what we are fighting against.
Our enemy then, it would seem, would be the lawmakers, who are predominantly men. We really aren't up against an army of women. The Women's Movement is fighting other battles. Equality. Equal rights. Equal pay. Justice for the abuse that they themselves have suffered. The only equivalent force here is the Women's Anti-Abuse Movement, and surely we can all agree that abuse is wrong.
So it's not really women that anyone is up against. You might be fighting one in court. And that's just one individual. The law is making it hard. And that is what you are up against. So my overall point is that the men's movement, if it hopes to get off the ground, needs to sharpen its message and stop the woman-bashing. There is no feminocracy, or vaginocracy, as one person calls it. Not as long as the inequalities run rampant in the workplace, the military, etc. Feminism has big fish to fry. The male-bashing type of feminists are a force to be reckoned with, for certain. Their anger is fierce, and understandably so. A misogynist has trouble gaining ground. He is in a minority, and he has enemies.
The male anti-abuse movement has no enemies. We seek to give men equal treatment under the law when they have been hurt. We have many people to educate. But we can't do it with hate and sexist remarks. We want to open the door to more communication. And the key is to tell our stories, put a human face on the problems, and get organized around common principles. Don't lose your passion. You will need it for the battle ahead. But focus it where it belongs.
But any movement needs to start with leadership. I believe that it's out there. One Yahoo! group has 921 members as of today. That's a movement right there. And there is passion there.
But passion is only one ingredient. An anti-abuse movement will also need a sharp message. I don't believe that any equality can be reached through bashing of either gender. Men's groups that support their members might be more successful than groups formed to knock feminists off of a high-horse.
I have encountered militant feminists before. Separatists who believe that men are not necessary. They openly disregard the entire male gender. I had a women's studies professor who was really off base. I consulted with another friend who taught the same subject, and told her that I had suffered unfair treatment in the class. Which I did. My friend introduced me, at age 19, to a new concept: The New Oppressor.
She said that by forming anti-male ideals, this professor was essentially becoming the New Oppressor. Anyone who is taking up the gender-bashing approach is missing the point. There are always certain individuals who spoil the broth and cloud the issues. A masculist movement will struggle to be heard.
The thing is, we have to figure out what we're fighting for here. We are fighting against abuse. Not against women. Here is where the Women's Movement and the Men's Movement can come together. No one wants to be abused.
Women who commit abuse are not heroic. They are sometimes painted as such. They are justified, it might seem, because they are fighting against a male-dominated culture. But no one should be immune to the law. Assault is illegal. And men are often accused of abuse when they themselves are the ones who have been abused. It is unfair. It is unjust. That is what we are fighting against.
Our enemy then, it would seem, would be the lawmakers, who are predominantly men. We really aren't up against an army of women. The Women's Movement is fighting other battles. Equality. Equal rights. Equal pay. Justice for the abuse that they themselves have suffered. The only equivalent force here is the Women's Anti-Abuse Movement, and surely we can all agree that abuse is wrong.
So it's not really women that anyone is up against. You might be fighting one in court. And that's just one individual. The law is making it hard. And that is what you are up against. So my overall point is that the men's movement, if it hopes to get off the ground, needs to sharpen its message and stop the woman-bashing. There is no feminocracy, or vaginocracy, as one person calls it. Not as long as the inequalities run rampant in the workplace, the military, etc. Feminism has big fish to fry. The male-bashing type of feminists are a force to be reckoned with, for certain. Their anger is fierce, and understandably so. A misogynist has trouble gaining ground. He is in a minority, and he has enemies.
The male anti-abuse movement has no enemies. We seek to give men equal treatment under the law when they have been hurt. We have many people to educate. But we can't do it with hate and sexist remarks. We want to open the door to more communication. And the key is to tell our stories, put a human face on the problems, and get organized around common principles. Don't lose your passion. You will need it for the battle ahead. But focus it where it belongs.
Monday, September 19, 2011
Searching
This is how I do the research and gather the stories. This approach is unrefined and unscientific. It is a slow process too. It would not be possible in a pre-internet world.
On my first few days, I was sorting out old files, at the end of which I had about 10 stories. I had old email addresses from other guys, and I got in contact. Then I waited.
Stories were coming in originally via craigslist. This time, I've had little luck there. I post in the "Rants and Raves" section, and so far I have come up with zero. In 2006, craigslist was the primary source of our stories.
I ventured into social media. Facebook has allowed me to get in touch with a few people, but largely, the most contributors come from Yahoo! groups. In the beginning, I put out public invitations. I had some responses, and it's good to occasionally refresh those invitations, and post updates on progress.
The thing to do is catch someone who is already in the act of telling their story. When you find someone reaching out and spilling their guts, you rush in. I introduce myself via email, and ask them to do the most painful thing in the world: tell us everything.
The responses are 100% positive. Sometimes I don't get a response. And I have to make a choice whether to follow up or not. If after the second attempt I still haven't heard, then I leave it alone. In some cases, the man has told me that it's too painful, too recent to talk about it. Some of the stories are from the 1970s. Some are happening right now.
I have had zero luck when the guy is still involved with the woman. If he is still with her, he doesn't like to talk about it. Some guys even get offended. That's a lesson learned, right there. This isn't public information that they have put out there. These are posts on private forums or chat rooms. I only got access to the forums by befriending the moderators, and working within their rules. It's journalism, and ethics are involved. It's something very delicate, and it's crucial that the contributors are handled gently, and in a specific way. These are people. They are not just stories. These are human lives.
When the stories come, it's always worth the wait. Pages upon pages roll out, and the anonymous storyteller goes on a rampage. The man has a lot to get off his chest, and he has taken the time to do it right. These stories are so painful sometimes that I have to walk away for a minute. I have to get some air. These men have changed the way I look at things. I now understand a side of relationships, and a side of the legal system, that I had never imagined. Our readers will be changed too, I have a feeling. There is an immediacy and vividness to the stories. I'm a writer myself, and I marvel at the content and style that are at work here. These men let it all go, throw it all out there, and it's the first lesson of writing: write what you know.
The first 20 stories were easy to gather. The next batch has required me to dig deep into tiny, specific pockets. Sometimes you strike gold. Sometimes it's like a rich seam of coal has opened up, and you have dozens of stories. Some days you come up with nothing. It's tough. Finding the stories, then locating the writers, then gaining their trust, then getting their story. It's how we do this.
On my first few days, I was sorting out old files, at the end of which I had about 10 stories. I had old email addresses from other guys, and I got in contact. Then I waited.
Stories were coming in originally via craigslist. This time, I've had little luck there. I post in the "Rants and Raves" section, and so far I have come up with zero. In 2006, craigslist was the primary source of our stories.
I ventured into social media. Facebook has allowed me to get in touch with a few people, but largely, the most contributors come from Yahoo! groups. In the beginning, I put out public invitations. I had some responses, and it's good to occasionally refresh those invitations, and post updates on progress.
The thing to do is catch someone who is already in the act of telling their story. When you find someone reaching out and spilling their guts, you rush in. I introduce myself via email, and ask them to do the most painful thing in the world: tell us everything.
The responses are 100% positive. Sometimes I don't get a response. And I have to make a choice whether to follow up or not. If after the second attempt I still haven't heard, then I leave it alone. In some cases, the man has told me that it's too painful, too recent to talk about it. Some of the stories are from the 1970s. Some are happening right now.
I have had zero luck when the guy is still involved with the woman. If he is still with her, he doesn't like to talk about it. Some guys even get offended. That's a lesson learned, right there. This isn't public information that they have put out there. These are posts on private forums or chat rooms. I only got access to the forums by befriending the moderators, and working within their rules. It's journalism, and ethics are involved. It's something very delicate, and it's crucial that the contributors are handled gently, and in a specific way. These are people. They are not just stories. These are human lives.
When the stories come, it's always worth the wait. Pages upon pages roll out, and the anonymous storyteller goes on a rampage. The man has a lot to get off his chest, and he has taken the time to do it right. These stories are so painful sometimes that I have to walk away for a minute. I have to get some air. These men have changed the way I look at things. I now understand a side of relationships, and a side of the legal system, that I had never imagined. Our readers will be changed too, I have a feeling. There is an immediacy and vividness to the stories. I'm a writer myself, and I marvel at the content and style that are at work here. These men let it all go, throw it all out there, and it's the first lesson of writing: write what you know.
The first 20 stories were easy to gather. The next batch has required me to dig deep into tiny, specific pockets. Sometimes you strike gold. Sometimes it's like a rich seam of coal has opened up, and you have dozens of stories. Some days you come up with nothing. It's tough. Finding the stories, then locating the writers, then gaining their trust, then getting their story. It's how we do this.
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
Evidence
This is a story that somehow got mixed in with some other "abuse" stories. A woman was attacked by a man on a street in Chicago. She later went to the police, with a key piece, or with pieces, of evidence: the man's testicles. She had bitten them off, in self-defense. The guy was charged with aggravated assault, and the woman was released that night.
The link: http://abcnews.go.com/US/story?id=93267&page=1
The guy deserved it. They couldn't reattach the organ. It's a wild story. This is an example of what we're not looking for, as far as stories go. When we hear about stories of abuse against men, this is the kind we often hear about first. In this case, this wasn't the woman's boyfriend. This wasn't Loreena Bobbitt. This guy attacked her, and he got what he deserved.
We have come to think of abuse against men as an act of retribution. There are nearly 835,000 reported cases of male abuse in this country. I've been gathering stories from all over the world too. And these are just the reported stories. I'm not reporting this figure to try and take anything away from what women are suffering. What I'm doing with this project is bringing awareness to the lesser known, and less understood crimes against men in relationships.
Just clarifying.
The link: http://abcnews.go.com/US/story?id=93267&page=1
The guy deserved it. They couldn't reattach the organ. It's a wild story. This is an example of what we're not looking for, as far as stories go. When we hear about stories of abuse against men, this is the kind we often hear about first. In this case, this wasn't the woman's boyfriend. This wasn't Loreena Bobbitt. This guy attacked her, and he got what he deserved.
We have come to think of abuse against men as an act of retribution. There are nearly 835,000 reported cases of male abuse in this country. I've been gathering stories from all over the world too. And these are just the reported stories. I'm not reporting this figure to try and take anything away from what women are suffering. What I'm doing with this project is bringing awareness to the lesser known, and less understood crimes against men in relationships.
Just clarifying.
Intern Wanted
Great experience for anyone in journalism, editorial, communications, or social work. Please pass this along:
UNPAID student intern needed for research. You will be credited in the publication. 10-15 hours per week.
The project is to collect anecdotal data about a very specific topic in the mental health field, about behavior in relationships. The data will be edited, annotated and compiled into a book. This is an important, private research effort and a profitable, successful outcome is expected.
The topic may be regarded as gender sensitive. Even though the topic is gender neutral, it is possible that some people will think it will be seen from a man's perspective. For example, the book title, "Women Who Love Too Much" is a neutral topic but regarded to be written from a woman's perspective, about women. If the title were, "Men Who Love Too Much," that could be seen from a man's perspective, about men. Therefore, while I do not specifically want a man for this role, the successful candidate shall have an open mind about gender role behavior in a relationship.
The work-station for this project is at my office, downtown Ann Arbor, using a Mac Mini and Mac software. The candidate must be Mac savvy. The work area is shared with another respectful worker or two, but the hours are flexible. The office is comfortable and private. You will be provided with whatever hardware and software you need to successfully complete this mission.
The person in this position will acquire the anecdotal data--stories--primarily using social networking, internet searches, participation in discussion forums and his or her own creative ingenuity. The successful candidate must be able to work productively and independently.
The candidate must be self-sufficient, task focused, honorable and possess good social skills.
Serious candidates only, please. For example, if you are not Mac savvy, do not apply.
Thank you very much. I look forward to hearing from you.
Requirements:
o The ideal candidate will be bright, creative, computer-savvy, and work well independently, as well as in a team environment.
o Must possess excellent verbal and writing skills.
o Must be comfortable working independently. The intern will be trusted to follow our established procedures, and apply creative problem-solving.
o Must be accessible by email, phone, and for weekly meetings.
The internship will be one semester only, Fall 2011. Work must be completed in the months of October and November.
UNPAID student intern needed for research. You will be credited in the publication. 10-15 hours per week.
The project is to collect anecdotal data about a very specific topic in the mental health field, about behavior in relationships. The data will be edited, annotated and compiled into a book. This is an important, private research effort and a profitable, successful outcome is expected.
The topic may be regarded as gender sensitive. Even though the topic is gender neutral, it is possible that some people will think it will be seen from a man's perspective. For example, the book title, "Women Who Love Too Much" is a neutral topic but regarded to be written from a woman's perspective, about women. If the title were, "Men Who Love Too Much," that could be seen from a man's perspective, about men. Therefore, while I do not specifically want a man for this role, the successful candidate shall have an open mind about gender role behavior in a relationship.
The work-station for this project is at my office, downtown Ann Arbor, using a Mac Mini and Mac software. The candidate must be Mac savvy. The work area is shared with another respectful worker or two, but the hours are flexible. The office is comfortable and private. You will be provided with whatever hardware and software you need to successfully complete this mission.
The person in this position will acquire the anecdotal data--stories--primarily using social networking, internet searches, participation in discussion forums and his or her own creative ingenuity. The successful candidate must be able to work productively and independently.
The candidate must be self-sufficient, task focused, honorable and possess good social skills.
Serious candidates only, please. For example, if you are not Mac savvy, do not apply.
Thank you very much. I look forward to hearing from you.
Requirements:
o The ideal candidate will be bright, creative, computer-savvy, and work well independently, as well as in a team environment.
o Must possess excellent verbal and writing skills.
o Must be comfortable working independently. The intern will be trusted to follow our established procedures, and apply creative problem-solving.
o Must be accessible by email, phone, and for weekly meetings.
The internship will be one semester only, Fall 2011. Work must be completed in the months of October and November.
Thursday, September 1, 2011
Dudes Are Pissed
Dudes are pissed off, and they will most definitely speak up about it. I'm reading stories each day of guys who suffered abuse, and the legal runaround that resulted when they tried to fight it. Many of them are quite humble. Some of them turn very political.
The only effective politics are the extreme ones. The only line to take is the hard line. Dudes are pissed that new legislation makes it easier to prosecute abusers. They are pissed that due process isn't in play when it comes to domestic abuse against men. Dudes are pissed.
But I get worried by some of what I read. There was once an episode of Married With Children where Al started a political action group called "NO MA'AM" or "Men Against Amazonian Masterhood." It's funny, but Al in his basement isn't too far off from men in discussion forums.
When it comes to the stories we gather for this project, I don't get my politics involved. Politics are there, but when a person is abused, it can be dangerous to politicize it. When you politicize anything, you get into trouble. In cases of abused men, it is possible that some people might turn a blind eye. As I have said before, we are sometimes in danger of seeing the events symbolically, not concretely. When you see it symbolically, you can turn it into political fodder. When you look at the case itself, you see that it's a person who has been hit.
The movement against male abuse is in its infancy. It's fighting the battle that NOW was fighting when it first began. The problem is that the public has completely missed the point on all of this. If someone gets abused, it's wrong. No one deserves to be hit or humiliated or yelled at. Let me be clear: if a man hits a woman, he deserves whatever the law might do to him and more. And likewise, if a man is abused, he deserves the same rights and support that female victims do.
I don't condone violence. I'm against it in all its forms. The Men's Movement has a long ways to go. Because it is perceived that to be pro-male is to be anti-female. It is perceived that men are already privileged, and don't need any more help. It is perceived that if you are abused by a woman, you might have done something to deserve it. That right there is an issue.
One of the things that helped the Women's Movement succeed are personal stories, and details on how the abuse made them feel. It grounded the discussion in concrete terms and real events. There was something there that anyone could understand. I have been converted myself. Before I read the stories, I was convinced that the guy deserved it no matter what, as an indirect form of justice for the violence against women. The argument will never be settled until the stories come forward. When an abused woman and an abused man can find common ground and help comfort one another, we will have made some progress here.
Do you have a story? Post it here as a comment, or get in touch with us at barton.bund@gmail.com.
The only effective politics are the extreme ones. The only line to take is the hard line. Dudes are pissed that new legislation makes it easier to prosecute abusers. They are pissed that due process isn't in play when it comes to domestic abuse against men. Dudes are pissed.
But I get worried by some of what I read. There was once an episode of Married With Children where Al started a political action group called "NO MA'AM" or "Men Against Amazonian Masterhood." It's funny, but Al in his basement isn't too far off from men in discussion forums.
When it comes to the stories we gather for this project, I don't get my politics involved. Politics are there, but when a person is abused, it can be dangerous to politicize it. When you politicize anything, you get into trouble. In cases of abused men, it is possible that some people might turn a blind eye. As I have said before, we are sometimes in danger of seeing the events symbolically, not concretely. When you see it symbolically, you can turn it into political fodder. When you look at the case itself, you see that it's a person who has been hit.
The movement against male abuse is in its infancy. It's fighting the battle that NOW was fighting when it first began. The problem is that the public has completely missed the point on all of this. If someone gets abused, it's wrong. No one deserves to be hit or humiliated or yelled at. Let me be clear: if a man hits a woman, he deserves whatever the law might do to him and more. And likewise, if a man is abused, he deserves the same rights and support that female victims do.
I don't condone violence. I'm against it in all its forms. The Men's Movement has a long ways to go. Because it is perceived that to be pro-male is to be anti-female. It is perceived that men are already privileged, and don't need any more help. It is perceived that if you are abused by a woman, you might have done something to deserve it. That right there is an issue.
One of the things that helped the Women's Movement succeed are personal stories, and details on how the abuse made them feel. It grounded the discussion in concrete terms and real events. There was something there that anyone could understand. I have been converted myself. Before I read the stories, I was convinced that the guy deserved it no matter what, as an indirect form of justice for the violence against women. The argument will never be settled until the stories come forward. When an abused woman and an abused man can find common ground and help comfort one another, we will have made some progress here.
Do you have a story? Post it here as a comment, or get in touch with us at barton.bund@gmail.com.
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