I'm happy to say we're nearing the end of the compiling phase of the project. We are continuing to seek submissions, but we are rounding out the collection. I know that this project will lead to more stories coming out, more guys coming forward. We're giving guys permission to speak out about being abused in their relationships.
This project has been an adventure for me, and a chance to meet a lot of new people. My role as editor has been to seek out stories from all over the world, and we have put together quite a stunning and provocative document on men who have been abused by women. When I began, I had no idea how common these situations are. I now understand more than I ever did about the issue, and I know our readers will too. It's eye-opening and mind-blowing. No one who reads this book will be able to look at the issue in the same way again.
The project has been received with open arms. Everyone I have spoken to has been very positive and supportive. I initially feared that this hot-button issue would polarize and inflame a lot of people. We don't believe that anyone should be abused. We aren't trying to diminish the efforts of the Women's Movement, which has worked hard to bring awareness to violence against women. We have our own battle to fight, and it's going to be an uphill battle, but it has to be fought diligently and sensibly.
Anti-abuse movements gain traction when the victims themselves tell their stories. This is a politically charged issue. But when the victim speaks out, everyone can agree. It's a grand injustice. Men are abused in many ways, and the legal system doesn't do enough to protect them. The stories are brutal and honest. Most men aren't given permission to be honest about what has happened to them. They are ridiculed for it. If the woman is retaliating against a man that has abused her, then I believe she is justified. If the man has been wrongfully abused by a woman, then he needs to speak up about it.
The book is designed to bring new awareness to the issue. We want the stories. The most powerful action men can take is to go public with their story, in a safe and effective format. We publish our stories anonymously, and everyone's information is kept confidential.
Showing posts with label domestic violence. Show all posts
Showing posts with label domestic violence. Show all posts
Monday, October 31, 2011
Monday, September 26, 2011
Get Organized
Today I was delighted to see dozens of messages on abused-men's message boards about getting organized, and protesting the unfair treatment of men in the legal system. Yes, men are mistreated by the courts in divorce and domestic violence committed against them. It's an outrage.
But any movement needs to start with leadership. I believe that it's out there. One Yahoo! group has 921 members as of today. That's a movement right there. And there is passion there.
But passion is only one ingredient. An anti-abuse movement will also need a sharp message. I don't believe that any equality can be reached through bashing of either gender. Men's groups that support their members might be more successful than groups formed to knock feminists off of a high-horse.
I have encountered militant feminists before. Separatists who believe that men are not necessary. They openly disregard the entire male gender. I had a women's studies professor who was really off base. I consulted with another friend who taught the same subject, and told her that I had suffered unfair treatment in the class. Which I did. My friend introduced me, at age 19, to a new concept: The New Oppressor.
She said that by forming anti-male ideals, this professor was essentially becoming the New Oppressor. Anyone who is taking up the gender-bashing approach is missing the point. There are always certain individuals who spoil the broth and cloud the issues. A masculist movement will struggle to be heard.
The thing is, we have to figure out what we're fighting for here. We are fighting against abuse. Not against women. Here is where the Women's Movement and the Men's Movement can come together. No one wants to be abused.
Women who commit abuse are not heroic. They are sometimes painted as such. They are justified, it might seem, because they are fighting against a male-dominated culture. But no one should be immune to the law. Assault is illegal. And men are often accused of abuse when they themselves are the ones who have been abused. It is unfair. It is unjust. That is what we are fighting against.
Our enemy then, it would seem, would be the lawmakers, who are predominantly men. We really aren't up against an army of women. The Women's Movement is fighting other battles. Equality. Equal rights. Equal pay. Justice for the abuse that they themselves have suffered. The only equivalent force here is the Women's Anti-Abuse Movement, and surely we can all agree that abuse is wrong.
So it's not really women that anyone is up against. You might be fighting one in court. And that's just one individual. The law is making it hard. And that is what you are up against. So my overall point is that the men's movement, if it hopes to get off the ground, needs to sharpen its message and stop the woman-bashing. There is no feminocracy, or vaginocracy, as one person calls it. Not as long as the inequalities run rampant in the workplace, the military, etc. Feminism has big fish to fry. The male-bashing type of feminists are a force to be reckoned with, for certain. Their anger is fierce, and understandably so. A misogynist has trouble gaining ground. He is in a minority, and he has enemies.
The male anti-abuse movement has no enemies. We seek to give men equal treatment under the law when they have been hurt. We have many people to educate. But we can't do it with hate and sexist remarks. We want to open the door to more communication. And the key is to tell our stories, put a human face on the problems, and get organized around common principles. Don't lose your passion. You will need it for the battle ahead. But focus it where it belongs.
But any movement needs to start with leadership. I believe that it's out there. One Yahoo! group has 921 members as of today. That's a movement right there. And there is passion there.
But passion is only one ingredient. An anti-abuse movement will also need a sharp message. I don't believe that any equality can be reached through bashing of either gender. Men's groups that support their members might be more successful than groups formed to knock feminists off of a high-horse.
I have encountered militant feminists before. Separatists who believe that men are not necessary. They openly disregard the entire male gender. I had a women's studies professor who was really off base. I consulted with another friend who taught the same subject, and told her that I had suffered unfair treatment in the class. Which I did. My friend introduced me, at age 19, to a new concept: The New Oppressor.
She said that by forming anti-male ideals, this professor was essentially becoming the New Oppressor. Anyone who is taking up the gender-bashing approach is missing the point. There are always certain individuals who spoil the broth and cloud the issues. A masculist movement will struggle to be heard.
The thing is, we have to figure out what we're fighting for here. We are fighting against abuse. Not against women. Here is where the Women's Movement and the Men's Movement can come together. No one wants to be abused.
Women who commit abuse are not heroic. They are sometimes painted as such. They are justified, it might seem, because they are fighting against a male-dominated culture. But no one should be immune to the law. Assault is illegal. And men are often accused of abuse when they themselves are the ones who have been abused. It is unfair. It is unjust. That is what we are fighting against.
Our enemy then, it would seem, would be the lawmakers, who are predominantly men. We really aren't up against an army of women. The Women's Movement is fighting other battles. Equality. Equal rights. Equal pay. Justice for the abuse that they themselves have suffered. The only equivalent force here is the Women's Anti-Abuse Movement, and surely we can all agree that abuse is wrong.
So it's not really women that anyone is up against. You might be fighting one in court. And that's just one individual. The law is making it hard. And that is what you are up against. So my overall point is that the men's movement, if it hopes to get off the ground, needs to sharpen its message and stop the woman-bashing. There is no feminocracy, or vaginocracy, as one person calls it. Not as long as the inequalities run rampant in the workplace, the military, etc. Feminism has big fish to fry. The male-bashing type of feminists are a force to be reckoned with, for certain. Their anger is fierce, and understandably so. A misogynist has trouble gaining ground. He is in a minority, and he has enemies.
The male anti-abuse movement has no enemies. We seek to give men equal treatment under the law when they have been hurt. We have many people to educate. But we can't do it with hate and sexist remarks. We want to open the door to more communication. And the key is to tell our stories, put a human face on the problems, and get organized around common principles. Don't lose your passion. You will need it for the battle ahead. But focus it where it belongs.
Monday, September 19, 2011
Searching
This is how I do the research and gather the stories. This approach is unrefined and unscientific. It is a slow process too. It would not be possible in a pre-internet world.
On my first few days, I was sorting out old files, at the end of which I had about 10 stories. I had old email addresses from other guys, and I got in contact. Then I waited.
Stories were coming in originally via craigslist. This time, I've had little luck there. I post in the "Rants and Raves" section, and so far I have come up with zero. In 2006, craigslist was the primary source of our stories.
I ventured into social media. Facebook has allowed me to get in touch with a few people, but largely, the most contributors come from Yahoo! groups. In the beginning, I put out public invitations. I had some responses, and it's good to occasionally refresh those invitations, and post updates on progress.
The thing to do is catch someone who is already in the act of telling their story. When you find someone reaching out and spilling their guts, you rush in. I introduce myself via email, and ask them to do the most painful thing in the world: tell us everything.
The responses are 100% positive. Sometimes I don't get a response. And I have to make a choice whether to follow up or not. If after the second attempt I still haven't heard, then I leave it alone. In some cases, the man has told me that it's too painful, too recent to talk about it. Some of the stories are from the 1970s. Some are happening right now.
I have had zero luck when the guy is still involved with the woman. If he is still with her, he doesn't like to talk about it. Some guys even get offended. That's a lesson learned, right there. This isn't public information that they have put out there. These are posts on private forums or chat rooms. I only got access to the forums by befriending the moderators, and working within their rules. It's journalism, and ethics are involved. It's something very delicate, and it's crucial that the contributors are handled gently, and in a specific way. These are people. They are not just stories. These are human lives.
When the stories come, it's always worth the wait. Pages upon pages roll out, and the anonymous storyteller goes on a rampage. The man has a lot to get off his chest, and he has taken the time to do it right. These stories are so painful sometimes that I have to walk away for a minute. I have to get some air. These men have changed the way I look at things. I now understand a side of relationships, and a side of the legal system, that I had never imagined. Our readers will be changed too, I have a feeling. There is an immediacy and vividness to the stories. I'm a writer myself, and I marvel at the content and style that are at work here. These men let it all go, throw it all out there, and it's the first lesson of writing: write what you know.
The first 20 stories were easy to gather. The next batch has required me to dig deep into tiny, specific pockets. Sometimes you strike gold. Sometimes it's like a rich seam of coal has opened up, and you have dozens of stories. Some days you come up with nothing. It's tough. Finding the stories, then locating the writers, then gaining their trust, then getting their story. It's how we do this.
On my first few days, I was sorting out old files, at the end of which I had about 10 stories. I had old email addresses from other guys, and I got in contact. Then I waited.
Stories were coming in originally via craigslist. This time, I've had little luck there. I post in the "Rants and Raves" section, and so far I have come up with zero. In 2006, craigslist was the primary source of our stories.
I ventured into social media. Facebook has allowed me to get in touch with a few people, but largely, the most contributors come from Yahoo! groups. In the beginning, I put out public invitations. I had some responses, and it's good to occasionally refresh those invitations, and post updates on progress.
The thing to do is catch someone who is already in the act of telling their story. When you find someone reaching out and spilling their guts, you rush in. I introduce myself via email, and ask them to do the most painful thing in the world: tell us everything.
The responses are 100% positive. Sometimes I don't get a response. And I have to make a choice whether to follow up or not. If after the second attempt I still haven't heard, then I leave it alone. In some cases, the man has told me that it's too painful, too recent to talk about it. Some of the stories are from the 1970s. Some are happening right now.
I have had zero luck when the guy is still involved with the woman. If he is still with her, he doesn't like to talk about it. Some guys even get offended. That's a lesson learned, right there. This isn't public information that they have put out there. These are posts on private forums or chat rooms. I only got access to the forums by befriending the moderators, and working within their rules. It's journalism, and ethics are involved. It's something very delicate, and it's crucial that the contributors are handled gently, and in a specific way. These are people. They are not just stories. These are human lives.
When the stories come, it's always worth the wait. Pages upon pages roll out, and the anonymous storyteller goes on a rampage. The man has a lot to get off his chest, and he has taken the time to do it right. These stories are so painful sometimes that I have to walk away for a minute. I have to get some air. These men have changed the way I look at things. I now understand a side of relationships, and a side of the legal system, that I had never imagined. Our readers will be changed too, I have a feeling. There is an immediacy and vividness to the stories. I'm a writer myself, and I marvel at the content and style that are at work here. These men let it all go, throw it all out there, and it's the first lesson of writing: write what you know.
The first 20 stories were easy to gather. The next batch has required me to dig deep into tiny, specific pockets. Sometimes you strike gold. Sometimes it's like a rich seam of coal has opened up, and you have dozens of stories. Some days you come up with nothing. It's tough. Finding the stories, then locating the writers, then gaining their trust, then getting their story. It's how we do this.
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