Searching

This is how I do the research and gather the stories. This approach is unrefined and unscientific.  It is a slow process too. It would not be possible in a pre-internet world.

On my first few days, I was sorting out old files, at the end of which I had about 10 stories. I had old email addresses from other guys, and I got in contact. Then I waited.

Stories were coming in originally via craigslist. This time, I've had little luck there. I post in the "Rants and Raves" section, and so far I have come up with zero. In 2006, craigslist was the primary source of our stories.

I ventured into social media. Facebook has allowed me to get in touch with a few people, but largely, the most contributors come from Yahoo! groups. In the beginning, I put out public invitations. I had some responses, and it's good to occasionally refresh those invitations, and post updates on progress.

The thing to do is catch someone who is already in the act of telling their story. When you find someone reaching out and spilling their guts, you rush in. I introduce myself via email, and ask them to do the most painful thing in the world: tell us everything.

The responses are 100% positive. Sometimes I don't get a response. And I have to make a choice whether to follow up or not. If after the second attempt I still haven't heard, then I leave it alone. In some cases, the man has told me that it's too painful, too recent to talk about it. Some of the stories are from the 1970s. Some are happening right now.

I have had zero luck when the guy is still involved with the woman. If he is still with her, he doesn't like to talk about it. Some guys even get offended. That's a lesson learned, right there. This isn't public information that they have put out there. These are posts on private forums or chat rooms. I only got access to the forums by befriending the moderators, and working within their rules. It's journalism, and ethics are involved. It's something very delicate, and it's crucial that the contributors are handled gently, and in a specific way. These are people. They are not just stories. These are human lives.

When the stories come, it's always worth the wait. Pages upon pages roll out, and the anonymous storyteller goes on a rampage. The man has a lot to get off his chest, and he has taken the time to do it right. These stories are so painful sometimes that I have to walk away for a minute. I have to get some air. These men have changed the way I look at things. I now understand a side of relationships, and a side of the legal system, that I had never imagined. Our readers will be changed too, I have a feeling. There is an immediacy and vividness to the stories. I'm a writer myself, and I marvel at the content and style that are at work here. These men let it all go, throw it all out there, and it's the first lesson of writing: write what you know.

The first 20 stories were easy to gather. The next batch has required me to dig deep into tiny, specific pockets. Sometimes you strike gold. Sometimes it's like a rich seam of coal has opened up, and you have dozens of stories. Some days you come up with nothing. It's tough. Finding the stories, then locating the writers, then gaining their trust, then getting their story. It's how we do this.