I'm happy to say we're nearing the end of the compiling phase of the project. We are continuing to seek submissions, but we are rounding out the collection. I know that this project will lead to more stories coming out, more guys coming forward. We're giving guys permission to speak out about being abused in their relationships.
This project has been an adventure for me, and a chance to meet a lot of new people. My role as editor has been to seek out stories from all over the world, and we have put together quite a stunning and provocative document on men who have been abused by women. When I began, I had no idea how common these situations are. I now understand more than I ever did about the issue, and I know our readers will too. It's eye-opening and mind-blowing. No one who reads this book will be able to look at the issue in the same way again.
The project has been received with open arms. Everyone I have spoken to has been very positive and supportive. I initially feared that this hot-button issue would polarize and inflame a lot of people. We don't believe that anyone should be abused. We aren't trying to diminish the efforts of the Women's Movement, which has worked hard to bring awareness to violence against women. We have our own battle to fight, and it's going to be an uphill battle, but it has to be fought diligently and sensibly.
Anti-abuse movements gain traction when the victims themselves tell their stories. This is a politically charged issue. But when the victim speaks out, everyone can agree. It's a grand injustice. Men are abused in many ways, and the legal system doesn't do enough to protect them. The stories are brutal and honest. Most men aren't given permission to be honest about what has happened to them. They are ridiculed for it. If the woman is retaliating against a man that has abused her, then I believe she is justified. If the man has been wrongfully abused by a woman, then he needs to speak up about it.
The book is designed to bring new awareness to the issue. We want the stories. The most powerful action men can take is to go public with their story, in a safe and effective format. We publish our stories anonymously, and everyone's information is kept confidential.
Monday, October 31, 2011
Monday, October 3, 2011
Dangerous Politics
I'm giving up on an argument I'm having with some dudes. This past week, our Vice President appeared on The View, and it seems to have shaken some people up. His Violence Against Women Act is getting severely criticized by some men's groups. The act doesn't include anything about violence against men, and that has become an issue.
Violence against men is going to be tricky to prosecute. There are laws in place, and officials in place that have been unfair to men in some cases. In fact, in all of the abuse cases I have read, the law has been hugely unfair. But creating new legislation is going to be hard. Here are some reasons why:
I discovered my own flexibility when it comes to the politics of abuse. I don't see any political party that is dealing with domestic abuse against men. So to villify feminists or their allies, that's a complete and utter waste of time. It's the wrong fight. Lawmakers on either side of the aisle need to be aware of the issues. I answer the complaints against Biden with a call to publicly share abuse stories. Get it out in the public dialogue. I believe that other anti-abuse groups have used this strategy, very successfully. Put a human face on it. I know the changes that came over me when I first read these stories. The same will happen to many people.
Violence against men is going to be tricky to prosecute. There are laws in place, and officials in place that have been unfair to men in some cases. In fact, in all of the abuse cases I have read, the law has been hugely unfair. But creating new legislation is going to be hard. Here are some reasons why:
- Abuse against men is not cultural. It is not common. It is aberrant behavior that comes up in certain situations. It is not a thing we can yet pin down as being common within any one age group, any one community.
- The laws developed after a long struggle. The Women's Movement is still fighting upstream for the legislation that can protect them. If the Men's Movement wants to get equal protection, then it will have to fight its own battle. It won't be able to jump onto existing legislation. It has to be its own issue.
- The Men's Movement needs organization and leadership. And it needs a clear message. If the public detects one mote of anti-feminist or misogynist thought within the mission, it will never gain traction.
- Men are often falsely accused of abuse in divorce cases. It seems that a mere accusation can trigger an investigation. If the penalties for falsely accusing a spouse were tougher, then this might help. HOWEVER, if a law were to come about requiring a woman to show evidence of her abuse, or even rape, before making these accusations, then we won't be able to get anywhere. Men need a kind of protection against these allegations, but it cannot be so binding that it lets ritual abusers go free, just because their partner does not have sufficient evidence. It's tricky!
- When domestic violence is reported, the male is often arrested, no matter if he shows physical evidence or not. If police were to delay the arrest until they see cause, then both partners could be brought in for questioning, and no one would be arrested until a consensus could be reached by a team of caseworkers, police, etc. When the charges are wrongly levied upon a man, he has to fight it to the bitter end.
- Lawyers need to be overseen by law enforcement when a criminal accusation is made. The attorney needs to be held accountable if their client has made false statements.
I discovered my own flexibility when it comes to the politics of abuse. I don't see any political party that is dealing with domestic abuse against men. So to villify feminists or their allies, that's a complete and utter waste of time. It's the wrong fight. Lawmakers on either side of the aisle need to be aware of the issues. I answer the complaints against Biden with a call to publicly share abuse stories. Get it out in the public dialogue. I believe that other anti-abuse groups have used this strategy, very successfully. Put a human face on it. I know the changes that came over me when I first read these stories. The same will happen to many people.
Monday, September 26, 2011
Get Organized
Today I was delighted to see dozens of messages on abused-men's message boards about getting organized, and protesting the unfair treatment of men in the legal system. Yes, men are mistreated by the courts in divorce and domestic violence committed against them. It's an outrage.
But any movement needs to start with leadership. I believe that it's out there. One Yahoo! group has 921 members as of today. That's a movement right there. And there is passion there.
But passion is only one ingredient. An anti-abuse movement will also need a sharp message. I don't believe that any equality can be reached through bashing of either gender. Men's groups that support their members might be more successful than groups formed to knock feminists off of a high-horse.
I have encountered militant feminists before. Separatists who believe that men are not necessary. They openly disregard the entire male gender. I had a women's studies professor who was really off base. I consulted with another friend who taught the same subject, and told her that I had suffered unfair treatment in the class. Which I did. My friend introduced me, at age 19, to a new concept: The New Oppressor.
She said that by forming anti-male ideals, this professor was essentially becoming the New Oppressor. Anyone who is taking up the gender-bashing approach is missing the point. There are always certain individuals who spoil the broth and cloud the issues. A masculist movement will struggle to be heard.
The thing is, we have to figure out what we're fighting for here. We are fighting against abuse. Not against women. Here is where the Women's Movement and the Men's Movement can come together. No one wants to be abused.
Women who commit abuse are not heroic. They are sometimes painted as such. They are justified, it might seem, because they are fighting against a male-dominated culture. But no one should be immune to the law. Assault is illegal. And men are often accused of abuse when they themselves are the ones who have been abused. It is unfair. It is unjust. That is what we are fighting against.
Our enemy then, it would seem, would be the lawmakers, who are predominantly men. We really aren't up against an army of women. The Women's Movement is fighting other battles. Equality. Equal rights. Equal pay. Justice for the abuse that they themselves have suffered. The only equivalent force here is the Women's Anti-Abuse Movement, and surely we can all agree that abuse is wrong.
So it's not really women that anyone is up against. You might be fighting one in court. And that's just one individual. The law is making it hard. And that is what you are up against. So my overall point is that the men's movement, if it hopes to get off the ground, needs to sharpen its message and stop the woman-bashing. There is no feminocracy, or vaginocracy, as one person calls it. Not as long as the inequalities run rampant in the workplace, the military, etc. Feminism has big fish to fry. The male-bashing type of feminists are a force to be reckoned with, for certain. Their anger is fierce, and understandably so. A misogynist has trouble gaining ground. He is in a minority, and he has enemies.
The male anti-abuse movement has no enemies. We seek to give men equal treatment under the law when they have been hurt. We have many people to educate. But we can't do it with hate and sexist remarks. We want to open the door to more communication. And the key is to tell our stories, put a human face on the problems, and get organized around common principles. Don't lose your passion. You will need it for the battle ahead. But focus it where it belongs.
But any movement needs to start with leadership. I believe that it's out there. One Yahoo! group has 921 members as of today. That's a movement right there. And there is passion there.
But passion is only one ingredient. An anti-abuse movement will also need a sharp message. I don't believe that any equality can be reached through bashing of either gender. Men's groups that support their members might be more successful than groups formed to knock feminists off of a high-horse.
I have encountered militant feminists before. Separatists who believe that men are not necessary. They openly disregard the entire male gender. I had a women's studies professor who was really off base. I consulted with another friend who taught the same subject, and told her that I had suffered unfair treatment in the class. Which I did. My friend introduced me, at age 19, to a new concept: The New Oppressor.
She said that by forming anti-male ideals, this professor was essentially becoming the New Oppressor. Anyone who is taking up the gender-bashing approach is missing the point. There are always certain individuals who spoil the broth and cloud the issues. A masculist movement will struggle to be heard.
The thing is, we have to figure out what we're fighting for here. We are fighting against abuse. Not against women. Here is where the Women's Movement and the Men's Movement can come together. No one wants to be abused.
Women who commit abuse are not heroic. They are sometimes painted as such. They are justified, it might seem, because they are fighting against a male-dominated culture. But no one should be immune to the law. Assault is illegal. And men are often accused of abuse when they themselves are the ones who have been abused. It is unfair. It is unjust. That is what we are fighting against.
Our enemy then, it would seem, would be the lawmakers, who are predominantly men. We really aren't up against an army of women. The Women's Movement is fighting other battles. Equality. Equal rights. Equal pay. Justice for the abuse that they themselves have suffered. The only equivalent force here is the Women's Anti-Abuse Movement, and surely we can all agree that abuse is wrong.
So it's not really women that anyone is up against. You might be fighting one in court. And that's just one individual. The law is making it hard. And that is what you are up against. So my overall point is that the men's movement, if it hopes to get off the ground, needs to sharpen its message and stop the woman-bashing. There is no feminocracy, or vaginocracy, as one person calls it. Not as long as the inequalities run rampant in the workplace, the military, etc. Feminism has big fish to fry. The male-bashing type of feminists are a force to be reckoned with, for certain. Their anger is fierce, and understandably so. A misogynist has trouble gaining ground. He is in a minority, and he has enemies.
The male anti-abuse movement has no enemies. We seek to give men equal treatment under the law when they have been hurt. We have many people to educate. But we can't do it with hate and sexist remarks. We want to open the door to more communication. And the key is to tell our stories, put a human face on the problems, and get organized around common principles. Don't lose your passion. You will need it for the battle ahead. But focus it where it belongs.
Monday, September 19, 2011
Searching
This is how I do the research and gather the stories. This approach is unrefined and unscientific. It is a slow process too. It would not be possible in a pre-internet world.
On my first few days, I was sorting out old files, at the end of which I had about 10 stories. I had old email addresses from other guys, and I got in contact. Then I waited.
Stories were coming in originally via craigslist. This time, I've had little luck there. I post in the "Rants and Raves" section, and so far I have come up with zero. In 2006, craigslist was the primary source of our stories.
I ventured into social media. Facebook has allowed me to get in touch with a few people, but largely, the most contributors come from Yahoo! groups. In the beginning, I put out public invitations. I had some responses, and it's good to occasionally refresh those invitations, and post updates on progress.
The thing to do is catch someone who is already in the act of telling their story. When you find someone reaching out and spilling their guts, you rush in. I introduce myself via email, and ask them to do the most painful thing in the world: tell us everything.
The responses are 100% positive. Sometimes I don't get a response. And I have to make a choice whether to follow up or not. If after the second attempt I still haven't heard, then I leave it alone. In some cases, the man has told me that it's too painful, too recent to talk about it. Some of the stories are from the 1970s. Some are happening right now.
I have had zero luck when the guy is still involved with the woman. If he is still with her, he doesn't like to talk about it. Some guys even get offended. That's a lesson learned, right there. This isn't public information that they have put out there. These are posts on private forums or chat rooms. I only got access to the forums by befriending the moderators, and working within their rules. It's journalism, and ethics are involved. It's something very delicate, and it's crucial that the contributors are handled gently, and in a specific way. These are people. They are not just stories. These are human lives.
When the stories come, it's always worth the wait. Pages upon pages roll out, and the anonymous storyteller goes on a rampage. The man has a lot to get off his chest, and he has taken the time to do it right. These stories are so painful sometimes that I have to walk away for a minute. I have to get some air. These men have changed the way I look at things. I now understand a side of relationships, and a side of the legal system, that I had never imagined. Our readers will be changed too, I have a feeling. There is an immediacy and vividness to the stories. I'm a writer myself, and I marvel at the content and style that are at work here. These men let it all go, throw it all out there, and it's the first lesson of writing: write what you know.
The first 20 stories were easy to gather. The next batch has required me to dig deep into tiny, specific pockets. Sometimes you strike gold. Sometimes it's like a rich seam of coal has opened up, and you have dozens of stories. Some days you come up with nothing. It's tough. Finding the stories, then locating the writers, then gaining their trust, then getting their story. It's how we do this.
On my first few days, I was sorting out old files, at the end of which I had about 10 stories. I had old email addresses from other guys, and I got in contact. Then I waited.
Stories were coming in originally via craigslist. This time, I've had little luck there. I post in the "Rants and Raves" section, and so far I have come up with zero. In 2006, craigslist was the primary source of our stories.
I ventured into social media. Facebook has allowed me to get in touch with a few people, but largely, the most contributors come from Yahoo! groups. In the beginning, I put out public invitations. I had some responses, and it's good to occasionally refresh those invitations, and post updates on progress.
The thing to do is catch someone who is already in the act of telling their story. When you find someone reaching out and spilling their guts, you rush in. I introduce myself via email, and ask them to do the most painful thing in the world: tell us everything.
The responses are 100% positive. Sometimes I don't get a response. And I have to make a choice whether to follow up or not. If after the second attempt I still haven't heard, then I leave it alone. In some cases, the man has told me that it's too painful, too recent to talk about it. Some of the stories are from the 1970s. Some are happening right now.
I have had zero luck when the guy is still involved with the woman. If he is still with her, he doesn't like to talk about it. Some guys even get offended. That's a lesson learned, right there. This isn't public information that they have put out there. These are posts on private forums or chat rooms. I only got access to the forums by befriending the moderators, and working within their rules. It's journalism, and ethics are involved. It's something very delicate, and it's crucial that the contributors are handled gently, and in a specific way. These are people. They are not just stories. These are human lives.
When the stories come, it's always worth the wait. Pages upon pages roll out, and the anonymous storyteller goes on a rampage. The man has a lot to get off his chest, and he has taken the time to do it right. These stories are so painful sometimes that I have to walk away for a minute. I have to get some air. These men have changed the way I look at things. I now understand a side of relationships, and a side of the legal system, that I had never imagined. Our readers will be changed too, I have a feeling. There is an immediacy and vividness to the stories. I'm a writer myself, and I marvel at the content and style that are at work here. These men let it all go, throw it all out there, and it's the first lesson of writing: write what you know.
The first 20 stories were easy to gather. The next batch has required me to dig deep into tiny, specific pockets. Sometimes you strike gold. Sometimes it's like a rich seam of coal has opened up, and you have dozens of stories. Some days you come up with nothing. It's tough. Finding the stories, then locating the writers, then gaining their trust, then getting their story. It's how we do this.
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
Evidence
This is a story that somehow got mixed in with some other "abuse" stories. A woman was attacked by a man on a street in Chicago. She later went to the police, with a key piece, or with pieces, of evidence: the man's testicles. She had bitten them off, in self-defense. The guy was charged with aggravated assault, and the woman was released that night.
The link: http://abcnews.go.com/US/story?id=93267&page=1
The guy deserved it. They couldn't reattach the organ. It's a wild story. This is an example of what we're not looking for, as far as stories go. When we hear about stories of abuse against men, this is the kind we often hear about first. In this case, this wasn't the woman's boyfriend. This wasn't Loreena Bobbitt. This guy attacked her, and he got what he deserved.
We have come to think of abuse against men as an act of retribution. There are nearly 835,000 reported cases of male abuse in this country. I've been gathering stories from all over the world too. And these are just the reported stories. I'm not reporting this figure to try and take anything away from what women are suffering. What I'm doing with this project is bringing awareness to the lesser known, and less understood crimes against men in relationships.
Just clarifying.
The link: http://abcnews.go.com/US/story?id=93267&page=1
The guy deserved it. They couldn't reattach the organ. It's a wild story. This is an example of what we're not looking for, as far as stories go. When we hear about stories of abuse against men, this is the kind we often hear about first. In this case, this wasn't the woman's boyfriend. This wasn't Loreena Bobbitt. This guy attacked her, and he got what he deserved.
We have come to think of abuse against men as an act of retribution. There are nearly 835,000 reported cases of male abuse in this country. I've been gathering stories from all over the world too. And these are just the reported stories. I'm not reporting this figure to try and take anything away from what women are suffering. What I'm doing with this project is bringing awareness to the lesser known, and less understood crimes against men in relationships.
Just clarifying.
Intern Wanted
Great experience for anyone in journalism, editorial, communications, or social work. Please pass this along:
UNPAID student intern needed for research. You will be credited in the publication. 10-15 hours per week.
The project is to collect anecdotal data about a very specific topic in the mental health field, about behavior in relationships. The data will be edited, annotated and compiled into a book. This is an important, private research effort and a profitable, successful outcome is expected.
The topic may be regarded as gender sensitive. Even though the topic is gender neutral, it is possible that some people will think it will be seen from a man's perspective. For example, the book title, "Women Who Love Too Much" is a neutral topic but regarded to be written from a woman's perspective, about women. If the title were, "Men Who Love Too Much," that could be seen from a man's perspective, about men. Therefore, while I do not specifically want a man for this role, the successful candidate shall have an open mind about gender role behavior in a relationship.
The work-station for this project is at my office, downtown Ann Arbor, using a Mac Mini and Mac software. The candidate must be Mac savvy. The work area is shared with another respectful worker or two, but the hours are flexible. The office is comfortable and private. You will be provided with whatever hardware and software you need to successfully complete this mission.
The person in this position will acquire the anecdotal data--stories--primarily using social networking, internet searches, participation in discussion forums and his or her own creative ingenuity. The successful candidate must be able to work productively and independently.
The candidate must be self-sufficient, task focused, honorable and possess good social skills.
Serious candidates only, please. For example, if you are not Mac savvy, do not apply.
Thank you very much. I look forward to hearing from you.
Requirements:
o The ideal candidate will be bright, creative, computer-savvy, and work well independently, as well as in a team environment.
o Must possess excellent verbal and writing skills.
o Must be comfortable working independently. The intern will be trusted to follow our established procedures, and apply creative problem-solving.
o Must be accessible by email, phone, and for weekly meetings.
The internship will be one semester only, Fall 2011. Work must be completed in the months of October and November.
UNPAID student intern needed for research. You will be credited in the publication. 10-15 hours per week.
The project is to collect anecdotal data about a very specific topic in the mental health field, about behavior in relationships. The data will be edited, annotated and compiled into a book. This is an important, private research effort and a profitable, successful outcome is expected.
The topic may be regarded as gender sensitive. Even though the topic is gender neutral, it is possible that some people will think it will be seen from a man's perspective. For example, the book title, "Women Who Love Too Much" is a neutral topic but regarded to be written from a woman's perspective, about women. If the title were, "Men Who Love Too Much," that could be seen from a man's perspective, about men. Therefore, while I do not specifically want a man for this role, the successful candidate shall have an open mind about gender role behavior in a relationship.
The work-station for this project is at my office, downtown Ann Arbor, using a Mac Mini and Mac software. The candidate must be Mac savvy. The work area is shared with another respectful worker or two, but the hours are flexible. The office is comfortable and private. You will be provided with whatever hardware and software you need to successfully complete this mission.
The person in this position will acquire the anecdotal data--stories--primarily using social networking, internet searches, participation in discussion forums and his or her own creative ingenuity. The successful candidate must be able to work productively and independently.
The candidate must be self-sufficient, task focused, honorable and possess good social skills.
Serious candidates only, please. For example, if you are not Mac savvy, do not apply.
Thank you very much. I look forward to hearing from you.
Requirements:
o The ideal candidate will be bright, creative, computer-savvy, and work well independently, as well as in a team environment.
o Must possess excellent verbal and writing skills.
o Must be comfortable working independently. The intern will be trusted to follow our established procedures, and apply creative problem-solving.
o Must be accessible by email, phone, and for weekly meetings.
The internship will be one semester only, Fall 2011. Work must be completed in the months of October and November.
Thursday, September 1, 2011
Dudes Are Pissed
Dudes are pissed off, and they will most definitely speak up about it. I'm reading stories each day of guys who suffered abuse, and the legal runaround that resulted when they tried to fight it. Many of them are quite humble. Some of them turn very political.
The only effective politics are the extreme ones. The only line to take is the hard line. Dudes are pissed that new legislation makes it easier to prosecute abusers. They are pissed that due process isn't in play when it comes to domestic abuse against men. Dudes are pissed.
But I get worried by some of what I read. There was once an episode of Married With Children where Al started a political action group called "NO MA'AM" or "Men Against Amazonian Masterhood." It's funny, but Al in his basement isn't too far off from men in discussion forums.
When it comes to the stories we gather for this project, I don't get my politics involved. Politics are there, but when a person is abused, it can be dangerous to politicize it. When you politicize anything, you get into trouble. In cases of abused men, it is possible that some people might turn a blind eye. As I have said before, we are sometimes in danger of seeing the events symbolically, not concretely. When you see it symbolically, you can turn it into political fodder. When you look at the case itself, you see that it's a person who has been hit.
The movement against male abuse is in its infancy. It's fighting the battle that NOW was fighting when it first began. The problem is that the public has completely missed the point on all of this. If someone gets abused, it's wrong. No one deserves to be hit or humiliated or yelled at. Let me be clear: if a man hits a woman, he deserves whatever the law might do to him and more. And likewise, if a man is abused, he deserves the same rights and support that female victims do.
I don't condone violence. I'm against it in all its forms. The Men's Movement has a long ways to go. Because it is perceived that to be pro-male is to be anti-female. It is perceived that men are already privileged, and don't need any more help. It is perceived that if you are abused by a woman, you might have done something to deserve it. That right there is an issue.
One of the things that helped the Women's Movement succeed are personal stories, and details on how the abuse made them feel. It grounded the discussion in concrete terms and real events. There was something there that anyone could understand. I have been converted myself. Before I read the stories, I was convinced that the guy deserved it no matter what, as an indirect form of justice for the violence against women. The argument will never be settled until the stories come forward. When an abused woman and an abused man can find common ground and help comfort one another, we will have made some progress here.
Do you have a story? Post it here as a comment, or get in touch with us at barton.bund@gmail.com.
The only effective politics are the extreme ones. The only line to take is the hard line. Dudes are pissed that new legislation makes it easier to prosecute abusers. They are pissed that due process isn't in play when it comes to domestic abuse against men. Dudes are pissed.
But I get worried by some of what I read. There was once an episode of Married With Children where Al started a political action group called "NO MA'AM" or "Men Against Amazonian Masterhood." It's funny, but Al in his basement isn't too far off from men in discussion forums.
When it comes to the stories we gather for this project, I don't get my politics involved. Politics are there, but when a person is abused, it can be dangerous to politicize it. When you politicize anything, you get into trouble. In cases of abused men, it is possible that some people might turn a blind eye. As I have said before, we are sometimes in danger of seeing the events symbolically, not concretely. When you see it symbolically, you can turn it into political fodder. When you look at the case itself, you see that it's a person who has been hit.
The movement against male abuse is in its infancy. It's fighting the battle that NOW was fighting when it first began. The problem is that the public has completely missed the point on all of this. If someone gets abused, it's wrong. No one deserves to be hit or humiliated or yelled at. Let me be clear: if a man hits a woman, he deserves whatever the law might do to him and more. And likewise, if a man is abused, he deserves the same rights and support that female victims do.
I don't condone violence. I'm against it in all its forms. The Men's Movement has a long ways to go. Because it is perceived that to be pro-male is to be anti-female. It is perceived that men are already privileged, and don't need any more help. It is perceived that if you are abused by a woman, you might have done something to deserve it. That right there is an issue.
One of the things that helped the Women's Movement succeed are personal stories, and details on how the abuse made them feel. It grounded the discussion in concrete terms and real events. There was something there that anyone could understand. I have been converted myself. Before I read the stories, I was convinced that the guy deserved it no matter what, as an indirect form of justice for the violence against women. The argument will never be settled until the stories come forward. When an abused woman and an abused man can find common ground and help comfort one another, we will have made some progress here.
Do you have a story? Post it here as a comment, or get in touch with us at barton.bund@gmail.com.
Monday, August 29, 2011
Controversy in 'Dear Abby'
This is reprinted from a recent 'Dear Abby' column. The writer is unsure how to handle her grandmother's abusive treatment of her grandmother. I include this to illustrate how a popular news column can distort our ideas of abuse:
What do you think?
DEAR ABBY: I love my grandmother, but she constantly puts my grandpa down, even in front of the family. I know some of the harsh words she uses could be resentment built up over the years from past hurts. Still, if she talks so rudely to him when we're around, I wonder what she says when they're alone.
Grandma loves her family very much, especially the two of us grandkids. It just hurts that she's so mean to Grandpa. Immediately after she insults him, I'll ask her why she did it, but she acts like she has done nothing wrong.
I know it must hurt my grandfather to be treated that way so often by the woman he's been married to for more than 50 years. Should I address her about it in
private? -- WORRIED GRANDDAUGHTER
DEAR WORRIED: Your grandparents'
marriage has lasted half a century, so it's safe to assume that they have a fairly strong bond. It's possible that what you interpret as insulting is her way of communicating with him -- both in public and in private -- and that he tuned her out decades ago. You have already said she appears to think she has done nothing wrong, so unless your grandfather has in some way indicated that it is hurtful to him, my
advice is to leave it alone. It works for them in some way.What do you think?
Legitimacy
Someone asked me how I know these stories are true and accurate. Here is how I gauge that:
- These stories are filled with detail that would be difficult to manufacture.
- The stories are published anonymously.
- When I spot something that seems amiss, or something that could be disputed, I have the option to leave it out, or to contact the writer for more clarification.
- Our writers have nothing to gain by exaggerating. Most of them have already been through the court system, so their story cannot be used in their defense. Also, when one considers the shame involved in being a victim, one doesn't want to exaggerate. Any excessive details wind up inadvertently casting the victim in a certain light. These victims don't want to experience more shame. They have been through enough already.
- There are other parties involved. Many times, there is a child or extended family who could be affected by any diversion from the truth.
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
The Key to Change
I think the only thing that will open people's eyes and create changes within the system are personal accounts. It's the same with any tragedy. I didn't know how to wrap my head around the devastation of Hurrican Katrina until I heard personal stories from the survivors. Just the same, I never understood the first thing about abused males until I read the stories.
I have a story about a guy whose wife had abused him physically and verbally. He was tremendous stress and had a heart attack. While he was unconscious for several weeks after, his wife arranged everything, and he woke up to find his life torn apart. She had arranged a divorce, forced him into a no-win custody arrangement, and when he tried to dispute it, she trumped up a false domestic violence case against him. He had no money to fight it all in court, and was left to languish, an invalid, with nothing, who never gets to see his children.
Sometimes people have the reaction that "well, he must have done something to deserve it." I'm pretty sure that no one on earth deserves the life this guy has now.
Other stories are more subtle, telling of subtle lies, deceptions along the way, unraveling a marriage by bits at a time. Here the abuse is harder to detect, but the end result is the same. The man has been left unable to trust and unable to enter into another relationship in a healthy way.
A man told me a story of being sexually assaulted by his wife, repeatedly. I never really gave it much thought. I thought it was impossible, but it's not. After reading the stories, I respond very differently to the issues.
The next level of abuse happens at the legal level. When the cases are tried in court, both sides can lose big. A false accusation of abuse is nearly impossible to shake. Even if you have bruises all over your body, the police can arrest you for domestic violence.
The only way to institute change in the system is to tell these stories. In other generations, we needed to get the first-hand accounts of violence against women to see that changes were needed. And that movement has come a long way, and now when a woman is hurt, no one dares say "she must have done something to deserve it." But once upon a time, that's certainly the common response you would get. The movement to stop violence against men is still in its infancy. It's still in its fetal development! But within our lifetime, if organizations like NOW have been able to bring new awareness to women's issues, then we may find a way to promote awareness of violence against men. It's entirely possible, and it starts with the victims speaking up.
I have a story about a guy whose wife had abused him physically and verbally. He was tremendous stress and had a heart attack. While he was unconscious for several weeks after, his wife arranged everything, and he woke up to find his life torn apart. She had arranged a divorce, forced him into a no-win custody arrangement, and when he tried to dispute it, she trumped up a false domestic violence case against him. He had no money to fight it all in court, and was left to languish, an invalid, with nothing, who never gets to see his children.
Sometimes people have the reaction that "well, he must have done something to deserve it." I'm pretty sure that no one on earth deserves the life this guy has now.
Other stories are more subtle, telling of subtle lies, deceptions along the way, unraveling a marriage by bits at a time. Here the abuse is harder to detect, but the end result is the same. The man has been left unable to trust and unable to enter into another relationship in a healthy way.
A man told me a story of being sexually assaulted by his wife, repeatedly. I never really gave it much thought. I thought it was impossible, but it's not. After reading the stories, I respond very differently to the issues.
The next level of abuse happens at the legal level. When the cases are tried in court, both sides can lose big. A false accusation of abuse is nearly impossible to shake. Even if you have bruises all over your body, the police can arrest you for domestic violence.
The only way to institute change in the system is to tell these stories. In other generations, we needed to get the first-hand accounts of violence against women to see that changes were needed. And that movement has come a long way, and now when a woman is hurt, no one dares say "she must have done something to deserve it." But once upon a time, that's certainly the common response you would get. The movement to stop violence against men is still in its infancy. It's still in its fetal development! But within our lifetime, if organizations like NOW have been able to bring new awareness to women's issues, then we may find a way to promote awareness of violence against men. It's entirely possible, and it starts with the victims speaking up.
Monday, August 22, 2011
Going to Extremes
There is a masculist movement in the world, which I have become a bit familiar with now. But it's about balance. You can't fight oppression by becoming the new oppressor.
Again, we run up against symbolism, and symbolic statements aren't going to do any good for abuse victims. It isn't any good trying to politicize any individual case of abuse. If an abuse case becomes controversial or complicated, it is tempting to levy a bunch of politics onto it. When a group wants possession of an abuse case, we got trouble.
Male abuse cases are untidy and much of the time, no one is comfortable reaching out to the victims, because to do so means you fall on one side of a political line. If you support a male victim, it is perceived that you have taken sides against the woman in the situation, and thereby, against all women. I'm not saying that everyone in the world thinks this way, but in numerous discussions, it's become a common theme.
Any anti-abuse movement is benevolent at its core. Ideally, anti-abuse movements have no enemies. Who would disagree with the idea? But when you introduce your ideas into the public, lines start to be drawn, and sides are taken.
Men who have been abused by women have certain enemies in this world. And the movement does too. Law enforcement practices. Legal procedures. Political agendas. It is unpopular and shameful to admit you were abused. Humiliating, for men or for women. But the movement will only move forward when you tell your story. There are no court cases, no news stories that will change things. It's you. It's your story.
Before I started this job, I never knew that male rape existed. I never understood how domestic abuse cases have procedural structures that need to change. I thought that justice was served in abuse cases, and I was convinced, before I read the stories, that most men who got abused were very deserving of it. I thought they themselves were the abusers. When we go to extremes and divide ourselves in order to take a strong stance against abuse, we need to eliminate the bias. If we set ourselves against abuse itself, then we can find common ground. If our movement is set against either men or women, then we lose ground. And we'll have a long way to go.
Again, we run up against symbolism, and symbolic statements aren't going to do any good for abuse victims. It isn't any good trying to politicize any individual case of abuse. If an abuse case becomes controversial or complicated, it is tempting to levy a bunch of politics onto it. When a group wants possession of an abuse case, we got trouble.
Male abuse cases are untidy and much of the time, no one is comfortable reaching out to the victims, because to do so means you fall on one side of a political line. If you support a male victim, it is perceived that you have taken sides against the woman in the situation, and thereby, against all women. I'm not saying that everyone in the world thinks this way, but in numerous discussions, it's become a common theme.
Any anti-abuse movement is benevolent at its core. Ideally, anti-abuse movements have no enemies. Who would disagree with the idea? But when you introduce your ideas into the public, lines start to be drawn, and sides are taken.
Men who have been abused by women have certain enemies in this world. And the movement does too. Law enforcement practices. Legal procedures. Political agendas. It is unpopular and shameful to admit you were abused. Humiliating, for men or for women. But the movement will only move forward when you tell your story. There are no court cases, no news stories that will change things. It's you. It's your story.
Before I started this job, I never knew that male rape existed. I never understood how domestic abuse cases have procedural structures that need to change. I thought that justice was served in abuse cases, and I was convinced, before I read the stories, that most men who got abused were very deserving of it. I thought they themselves were the abusers. When we go to extremes and divide ourselves in order to take a strong stance against abuse, we need to eliminate the bias. If we set ourselves against abuse itself, then we can find common ground. If our movement is set against either men or women, then we lose ground. And we'll have a long way to go.
Fairness
I once held a job as an ethicist. Part-time. Seriously, I was employed as a writer and civic ethicist. Which doesn't mean I'm completely ethical. No one is. We are all leading the right life, as best we can, and that's essentially what I took away from that two years of working in ethics.
The word we continually threw back and forth was 'fairness.' Justice is essential to who we are, and how our culture is meant to work. I don't know if there is such a thing as true justice, but there are attempts at fairness and balance that get us closer.
In divorce, I am convinced that there is no fairness, there is no balance. Not within our legal system. No one is going to feel satisfied at the end of divorce proceedings, because everyone has lost something. Without being married, you don't have equal rights to the children or the assets you have between you. So an unmarried couple has little legal recourse when it comes to divvying up property or custody. They really don't have the cooperation of the law. And married couples are subject to the rule of the court, which is never fair. So the system doesn't want you to break up. The system will punish you for not staying together.
The system wants you to get together and stay together. Married couples are the key to the economy. Everything is geared towards the marriage experience. Married couples consume a great deal of resources. Single people do too, but not in the same amounts. Married people will order the all-you-can-eat special, whereas the single person orders a diet coke.
Fairness in divorce proceedings never feels fair. And in abuse cases, even less so. An abused man is not validated for the trauma he suffers. In previous generations, it was the other way around. Abuse against women was seen as putting-her-in-her-place, just as now, abuse against men is spun as serves-him-right.
It's the symbolic v. the concrete. In the symbolic world, it seems that when a man is physically abused, it is some kind of abstract justice. Justice for women who have been abused. In the concrete life, a person has been hit or had something thrown at them. In the symbolic world, when a man is granted limited custody in a court decision, it is often seen as an act of justice. Not for him, but for men all over the world. In reality, a person has been granted limited access to his children.
Fairness is always in question, and as I said, divorce is never fair on either side. But perceived fairness is dangerous. When an act of injustice is perceived as fair, it warps our sense of justice altogether.
The word we continually threw back and forth was 'fairness.' Justice is essential to who we are, and how our culture is meant to work. I don't know if there is such a thing as true justice, but there are attempts at fairness and balance that get us closer.
In divorce, I am convinced that there is no fairness, there is no balance. Not within our legal system. No one is going to feel satisfied at the end of divorce proceedings, because everyone has lost something. Without being married, you don't have equal rights to the children or the assets you have between you. So an unmarried couple has little legal recourse when it comes to divvying up property or custody. They really don't have the cooperation of the law. And married couples are subject to the rule of the court, which is never fair. So the system doesn't want you to break up. The system will punish you for not staying together.
The system wants you to get together and stay together. Married couples are the key to the economy. Everything is geared towards the marriage experience. Married couples consume a great deal of resources. Single people do too, but not in the same amounts. Married people will order the all-you-can-eat special, whereas the single person orders a diet coke.
Fairness in divorce proceedings never feels fair. And in abuse cases, even less so. An abused man is not validated for the trauma he suffers. In previous generations, it was the other way around. Abuse against women was seen as putting-her-in-her-place, just as now, abuse against men is spun as serves-him-right.
It's the symbolic v. the concrete. In the symbolic world, it seems that when a man is physically abused, it is some kind of abstract justice. Justice for women who have been abused. In the concrete life, a person has been hit or had something thrown at them. In the symbolic world, when a man is granted limited custody in a court decision, it is often seen as an act of justice. Not for him, but for men all over the world. In reality, a person has been granted limited access to his children.
Fairness is always in question, and as I said, divorce is never fair on either side. But perceived fairness is dangerous. When an act of injustice is perceived as fair, it warps our sense of justice altogether.
Monday, August 15, 2011
I've Been to Some Strange Places
I've been working as an editor here for about 6 weeks. It's been an eye-opener, and every day I stumble into someplace new. My search for stories of abuse has taken me to support pages for Pagans. That wasn't so strange, but my interactions with a moderator were beyond belief. It's documented in one of my earlier posts.
I stumbled into one of the most popular forums for men, which was started by a Penis Enlargement Equipment provider. The stories were just as heartbreaking and unsettling there as anywhere, but there seemed to be no moderator there with any training. Most of the advice for guys who were hurting (from a relationship, not from the Equipment) got advice like "Hey bro, just call up your buds and get some beers." Guys do that. No doubt. It's where a lot of good therapy takes place. I didn't join the forum as an official member. For numerous reasons, but mainly because I didn't want to get a lot of spam in my inbox. Every pun here is intentional. I repeat: I didn't become an official member because I didn't want spam in my inbox.
Many of the online support groups for men have a strong anti-feminist slant. A masculist slant, a revolt against the female bias in the media when it comes to legal process in abuse cases. I understand what could drive someone to become angry against the system. But you can't fight propaganda with other propaganda, so it becomes a bit dicey. I think what both sides need is to engage in a dialogue, with a decent moderator, like Alec Baldwin or Rachel Maddow.
I have landed in some Christian forums, and the reason I joined is that these forums was that I recognize the important role the church has played in getting help and therapy to abuse victims. A lot of churches provide services that other agencies don't.
I stumbled into one of the most popular forums for men, which was started by a Penis Enlargement Equipment provider. The stories were just as heartbreaking and unsettling there as anywhere, but there seemed to be no moderator there with any training. Most of the advice for guys who were hurting (from a relationship, not from the Equipment) got advice like "Hey bro, just call up your buds and get some beers." Guys do that. No doubt. It's where a lot of good therapy takes place. I didn't join the forum as an official member. For numerous reasons, but mainly because I didn't want to get a lot of spam in my inbox. Every pun here is intentional. I repeat: I didn't become an official member because I didn't want spam in my inbox.
Many of the online support groups for men have a strong anti-feminist slant. A masculist slant, a revolt against the female bias in the media when it comes to legal process in abuse cases. I understand what could drive someone to become angry against the system. But you can't fight propaganda with other propaganda, so it becomes a bit dicey. I think what both sides need is to engage in a dialogue, with a decent moderator, like Alec Baldwin or Rachel Maddow.
I have landed in some Christian forums, and the reason I joined is that these forums was that I recognize the important role the church has played in getting help and therapy to abuse victims. A lot of churches provide services that other agencies don't.
Thursday, August 11, 2011
Name-Calling and a Rant About Name-Calling
In my search, I have run across a ton of great terms having to do with abuse. There is a ton of vitriol flying back and forth, and here are some of my faves:
What strikes me is when people are politicizing abuse, we get into trouble. A man gets abused, and many people say he must have deserved it. Just like in previous generations, if a woman was hit, people would have said she did something to deserve it. We are still caught in the same cycle of blame.
The big case recently was this guy who was tied to his bed, and his wife cut off his penis with a 10-inch knife, and threw it down the garbage disposal. Symbolically, this means that there is a kind of abstract justice for the wives of cheating husbands. But in the literal world, a man has had his penis thrown down a garbage disposal. A cheating husband deserves to be divorced, yes. He deserves that. But no one deserves to be mutilated. That's where the argument ends.
There is the "you go girl" response. That is a bit dangerous. There is the non-response. No matter what kind of response you have to the event, you are bound to get into a debate. The symbolism of the event does not reconcile itself with the actual event.
The words I put down above have been collected over time, and there are others. There are buzzwords and keywords that get bandied about.
Put a name to your experience. Verbal abuse. Physical abuse. If you can classify and pinpoint what has happened to you, then you can be viewed clearly. The moment that the politics get involved, it gets really murky.
- "Psychopath" - Found on a British web forum, a term applied to any abuser. Anyone who starts out nice, and ends up CRAZY!
- "Psychobitch" - An abusive woman
- "Vaginocracy" - female-dominated culture
- "Baker-Act" - A state law requiring a criminal to submit to psychological testing. Can be used as a verb, as in "They Baker-Acted me for no good reason."
- "Envelopment" - the opposite of penetration. The proper word to be used in cases of male sexual assault.
What strikes me is when people are politicizing abuse, we get into trouble. A man gets abused, and many people say he must have deserved it. Just like in previous generations, if a woman was hit, people would have said she did something to deserve it. We are still caught in the same cycle of blame.
The big case recently was this guy who was tied to his bed, and his wife cut off his penis with a 10-inch knife, and threw it down the garbage disposal. Symbolically, this means that there is a kind of abstract justice for the wives of cheating husbands. But in the literal world, a man has had his penis thrown down a garbage disposal. A cheating husband deserves to be divorced, yes. He deserves that. But no one deserves to be mutilated. That's where the argument ends.
There is the "you go girl" response. That is a bit dangerous. There is the non-response. No matter what kind of response you have to the event, you are bound to get into a debate. The symbolism of the event does not reconcile itself with the actual event.
The words I put down above have been collected over time, and there are others. There are buzzwords and keywords that get bandied about.
Put a name to your experience. Verbal abuse. Physical abuse. If you can classify and pinpoint what has happened to you, then you can be viewed clearly. The moment that the politics get involved, it gets really murky.
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
The Shock
Sometimes I read a story and I need to take a step away from the desk for a minute. I have been compiling some of the most intense stories I have ever read.
I send out invitations to people, many of them who are already telling their own story. If they are part of a group or a forum discussion, they may already be looking for an opportunity to speak out about their experience. Many of them have been looking around for books on the subject.
It takes a huge effort to dredge these stories up. It takes effort for men to write the stories in the first place. Many come to us, having been through grueling court battles. Some have recovered well from their experiences, and have gone on to live better lives, in new relationships. Some say they will never love again.
As an editor, I proofread and make small corrections. The writer's tone remains, and their words are incredibly compelling. This week I read a story of sexual abuse from Great Britain. Another story from Canada, which was interesting. It's wild to see how different legal systems deal with the problem. Much of the time, the legal policies are the same. The man is not often treated fairly in these cases. If he can prove he was abused, through medical records, police reports, then he has something he can use in court. Verbal and emotional abuse are harder to quantify.
A man in a forum asked How do I regain my sense of masculinity after what I have been through?
One reply recommended he move to Thailand, where men get a fair shake and great treatment by the law. I hear it's nice in Thailand, and I wouldn't stop anyone from finding peace anywhere they can. But it's not happening, in most cases. Most men have to stay and fight. Some have been so exhausted by the courts that all they can do now is write to us. They have no one else willing to listen.
I don't consider myself one of the abused. I have always been a good friend, someone who you can go to for relationship advice. Most of my advice has been good. Only once did I recommend that the guy moves out. I hated saying it. I was there when they first got together, and now I was telling him to split. It was devastating.
I hold no degree in social work, though the guy I work for is incredibly accomplished and accredited. I'm learning a lot. And some times it's overwhelming. Editing true stories of sexual assault against men. Stories of degradation, stories of being stuck. Much of the time, the abused partner stays in it longer than he/she should. Often because of children. Often times, they feel they must be the one to care for their spouse, even when the spouse is abusive. They are dehumanized after a while, and they actually think they deserve it.
Our agenda isn't anti-woman, by any means. We don't want anyone abusing anyone. The system is unbalanced, and abused men are swept under the rug, except in strange cases of penile abuse. If a guy gets his wiener chopped off, we will hear about it. But most people react first by saying "he must have done something to deserve it."
If he was abusive, he deserves to be prosecuted. No one deserves to be hurt.
I send out invitations to people, many of them who are already telling their own story. If they are part of a group or a forum discussion, they may already be looking for an opportunity to speak out about their experience. Many of them have been looking around for books on the subject.
It takes a huge effort to dredge these stories up. It takes effort for men to write the stories in the first place. Many come to us, having been through grueling court battles. Some have recovered well from their experiences, and have gone on to live better lives, in new relationships. Some say they will never love again.
As an editor, I proofread and make small corrections. The writer's tone remains, and their words are incredibly compelling. This week I read a story of sexual abuse from Great Britain. Another story from Canada, which was interesting. It's wild to see how different legal systems deal with the problem. Much of the time, the legal policies are the same. The man is not often treated fairly in these cases. If he can prove he was abused, through medical records, police reports, then he has something he can use in court. Verbal and emotional abuse are harder to quantify.
A man in a forum asked How do I regain my sense of masculinity after what I have been through?
One reply recommended he move to Thailand, where men get a fair shake and great treatment by the law. I hear it's nice in Thailand, and I wouldn't stop anyone from finding peace anywhere they can. But it's not happening, in most cases. Most men have to stay and fight. Some have been so exhausted by the courts that all they can do now is write to us. They have no one else willing to listen.
I don't consider myself one of the abused. I have always been a good friend, someone who you can go to for relationship advice. Most of my advice has been good. Only once did I recommend that the guy moves out. I hated saying it. I was there when they first got together, and now I was telling him to split. It was devastating.
I hold no degree in social work, though the guy I work for is incredibly accomplished and accredited. I'm learning a lot. And some times it's overwhelming. Editing true stories of sexual assault against men. Stories of degradation, stories of being stuck. Much of the time, the abused partner stays in it longer than he/she should. Often because of children. Often times, they feel they must be the one to care for their spouse, even when the spouse is abusive. They are dehumanized after a while, and they actually think they deserve it.
Our agenda isn't anti-woman, by any means. We don't want anyone abusing anyone. The system is unbalanced, and abused men are swept under the rug, except in strange cases of penile abuse. If a guy gets his wiener chopped off, we will hear about it. But most people react first by saying "he must have done something to deserve it."
If he was abusive, he deserves to be prosecuted. No one deserves to be hurt.
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Why Tell Your Story?
When it comes to gathering stories, we are looking for the needle in the haystack. Or more like a needle in a million different haystacks. It's like looking for your wallet in a lost-and-found. We post to craigslist.org, Facebook, and Yahoo! groups, asking the general public to share.
My boss uses the analogy of a rifle shot v. a shotgun blast. We can post out to the public and invite stories in a public forum, which is the shotgun blast. Maybe less effective.
The rifle shot approach is when we find someone who is already telling their story, and we invite them to join us. It can be frustrating and time-consuming, but when the story is found, it's gold. The direct approach is always the best.
A lot of guys need the permission to be able to talk about their abusive relationship. The reasons they don't share:
My boss uses the analogy of a rifle shot v. a shotgun blast. We can post out to the public and invite stories in a public forum, which is the shotgun blast. Maybe less effective.
The rifle shot approach is when we find someone who is already telling their story, and we invite them to join us. It can be frustrating and time-consuming, but when the story is found, it's gold. The direct approach is always the best.
A lot of guys need the permission to be able to talk about their abusive relationship. The reasons they don't share:
- They have been told not to.
- They feel they are less of a man if they do.
- They have been laughed at or ridiculed for being in the situation in the first place.
- They are worried about their professional reputation, or any personal fallout from sharing their stories.
- They don't consider themselves writers.
- The story is eating them alive and they are dying to share it in a safe environment.
- They want the catharsis, the release, the therapeutic relief that comes from getting something major off their chest.
- They want to help other guys who have been in the same situation.
- You are part of a community of men all over the world who can benefit from your honesty.
- You will feel better after you do.
- If you don't consider yourself a writer, that doesn't matter to us. We have a lot of good tips for how to tell your story, in your own words. As an editor, the stories we get from guys who don't consider themselves writers are often the best things we have ever read on the subject. Why? Because they're personal stories, in your own words.
Monday, July 25, 2011
A Darkly Funny and Dangerous Exchange with A Pagan Clergyman
An email chat with "Lord _____________," after my attempt to join a discussion group for abused Pagans.
I am a Moderator for _____________. Men abused by women are fairly rare in mixed or public support groups, I am 1 of the very few in the group who share that background. I am also a "pastoral counselor" and legal advocate.
Personally I am voting to deny your membership to the group. You have not demonstrated any qualifications of membership.
Bart: Sure, I understand. I really want to remain a member, so I have included my responses below.
I am not a counselor myself, but my employer is a MSW and founder of the Counseling Center of Ann Arbor. His work in the field has been amazing, and I am here representing him, essentially. He is tied up in clinical work, otherwise he would be doing the outreach himself.
Writers and editors cause disruptions in support groups when they have no first hand experience as an effected member. While adamant they are trying to publish a writing to "help" or "educate" they tend to re-victimize the targets of their questions.
I can see how that could happen. I have seen countless other similar projects out there, and I wanted to be different by making a more personal effort to contact people. Many editors or writers might steal blogs or public posts, or exploit their contributors. By joining your group, I am hoping to get to know more men who have suffered abuse, and by personal contact with them, work with them to better represent their stories. Essentially, I am an individual working on a small project. We have already gathered a lot of powerful first-hand accounts. Groups like yours can do a lot of good for a lot of people. If you should take me on as a member, I would continue to handle my project with care and sensitivity, working with your members to generate a powerful document on the subject.
My preference would be to post an announcement of your interest and contact info so volunteers can contact you outside the group, even I would volunteer to communicate with you privately.
I would love that. It's your group, and I don't want to throw off the balance by bringing my project in. I would love to talk more, and if you are willing to be a contributing writer, then I would really enjoy working with you. If I can be a member, then I will be an active one. Not just representing my project, but sharing my own experiences. I am a bit reticent about sharing my own stories, as I want to be sure they can be helpful and appropriate. I am sure in time that I will be able to bring my own insights to the table, and join your community with the same honesty and openness you would expect from anyone. What is unique about my project is that it is both personal and professional for me. I am working as an editor on this project primarily because I have a passion to help my community. I am a writer and artist by training. At various points in my life I considered social work as a profession. My mother was a counselor, and a good one. When I saw how her work was affecting her, I drifted back to the arts. I believe I have the compassion for social work, but maybe I don't have the stomach. I admire what you all do, and I hope that I can do my part to help folks in need.
At this point Lady _________ (Group Founder) has the final say of what happens next with group membership.
Certainly. Please take time to think it all over, and I hope we get a chance to work together. Thanks for taking the time to get back to me and inquire about the project. I have moderated multiple groups online in the past, and I know how important it is to monitor member activities for the overall benefit of the group.
Getting back to the stories themselves, I would love to talk more if you are interested in being a contributing writer on my book. I have been blown away by the stories I have collected, and I know that our readers will be very moved by what they read. And they will be motivated to help others in the same situation. Thanks again, and I hope we can chat some more.
Followup Email:
Barton, you actually made a case against yourself and proved my concerns correct. You have said you do not have an abuse history, are not a counselor, are just the errand boy for a MSW who does not have the time to do his own work (MSW which is a college degree not a licensed counselor by the way), THEN claim to have useful contributions for an entire membership of abuse survivors but you are supposedly only joining to collect material about male abuse survivors. Huh? My wife is red flagging you for a flagrant male privilege foul.
So far you have not yet made an attempt to contact the abuse recovery groups specifically for male survivors that I am part of and/or operate, instead I have only seen you trying to argue your way into a primarily female group by presenting yourself as a editor for book focused on men. Contradiction after contradiction, very much like the abusers that injured our members (of all genders). I do not see any care or sensitivity in your self claims of value without substance, I see a person trying to wedge their way into a community that does not include him while being exactly what that community is trying to get away from... non-consensual intrusion with false promises and under false pretenses.
This is CC'd to Lady ________, I done now that I already have enough of your testimony to sway a court judge (just so happens I am sitting in the chambers of our county judge who orders/presides over Domestic Violence related Orders of Protection).
Bart: This is unbelievable. You're way out of line lumping me in with domestic abusers. To equate what I'm doing with the abusers who hurt your members, that's utter nonsense. You're way out of line. I've joined similar groups as yours, with the simple intention of doing a bit of outreach for my project. Feel free to review my previous emails, and search any of our public material out there. You will find out exactly how wrong you are. I have come at this completely honestly, with full disclosure of my intentions, and you have decided to create a conflict. This is absolutely shocking, and surprising. What, exactly, are your credentials, that you feel justified in making these claims?
Don't want to include me in your extremely small and inactive group? That's fine. That's all you had to say. What you just left me as an email here is complete nonsense, and you have no basis for what you are saying. We'll have no more contact. Don't message me with anything else, or I'll consider it harassment. I repeat: Do not contact me with anything further, or it will be considered harassment. Further contact of any kind will put you in violation of anti-harassment laws in Michigan.
You've got it completely wrong. We're on the same side here, I think. My project deals in justice for men in abusive relationships, which you have even said you are. I'll stay as far away from your forum as I possibly can, because I think you're actually dangerous, making these kind of claims. Are you actually threatening me with the final line of your email? Save your energy. You are hurting your own cause by engaging potential members in these outrageous arguments.
Films About Men in Abusive Relationships
THE FIGHTER (2010)
A father and sons are browbeaten and physically abused by a controlling matriarch. An especially painful scene midway through the film where the boxer's father is pelted with a frying pan.
MIDNIGHT IN PARIS (2011)
The film is a light comedy, and an unlikely choice for this list. But the arguments between Owen Wilson and wife Rachel McAdams are incredibly compelling. Her constant criticism is what we hear about in lots of our true stories. She tries hard to suppress her husband and fit him into a position he doesn't belong in. His dreamlike journeys through Paris nightlife are a great metaphor. How many men long for escape, and what do their dreams look like?
SECRETS AND LIES (1996)
A beautiful and startling film about unconventional families. Timothy Spall portrays a patient man juggling the needs of his sister amidst his wife's unhappiness.
WHEN A MAN LOVES A WOMAN (1994)
Most guys wouldn't be caught dead watching this film, but it deals with the subject very directly. A man and woman and child are torn apart by addiction. It's a fairly shocking film, and very powerful. What appears to be a chick-flick is actually a very strong film that you wouldn't actually want to watch with your wife or girlfriend.
BLUE VALENTINE (2010)
A mesmerizing portrayal of a couple's rise and fall. Ryan Gosling's final speech will really nail it on the head for a lot of guys.
A father and sons are browbeaten and physically abused by a controlling matriarch. An especially painful scene midway through the film where the boxer's father is pelted with a frying pan.
MIDNIGHT IN PARIS (2011)
The film is a light comedy, and an unlikely choice for this list. But the arguments between Owen Wilson and wife Rachel McAdams are incredibly compelling. Her constant criticism is what we hear about in lots of our true stories. She tries hard to suppress her husband and fit him into a position he doesn't belong in. His dreamlike journeys through Paris nightlife are a great metaphor. How many men long for escape, and what do their dreams look like?
SECRETS AND LIES (1996)
A beautiful and startling film about unconventional families. Timothy Spall portrays a patient man juggling the needs of his sister amidst his wife's unhappiness.
WHEN A MAN LOVES A WOMAN (1994)
Most guys wouldn't be caught dead watching this film, but it deals with the subject very directly. A man and woman and child are torn apart by addiction. It's a fairly shocking film, and very powerful. What appears to be a chick-flick is actually a very strong film that you wouldn't actually want to watch with your wife or girlfriend.
BLUE VALENTINE (2010)
A mesmerizing portrayal of a couple's rise and fall. Ryan Gosling's final speech will really nail it on the head for a lot of guys.
Saturday, July 23, 2011
New Video
This is a new video created for the project. It's based on one of the stories from the book. Check it out:
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Week Two: Just the FAQs
We have had stories coming in via email, and many people are wondering how to begin writing. Two words for you: Anything goes.
We want it in your words. We have laid out some sample questions in the "Week One" post. We have met a lot of great people via facebook and craigslist, but guys can post right here to this site as well.
Frequently Asked Questions:
Should I change the names of the people involved?
Generally, yes. For the protection of everyone affected, go ahead and change the names. There may be children whose identities need to be covered. There may be lawyers or officials involved, and no matter how badly you might want to talk publicly about someone who hurt you or mistreated you, you should still find a false name for them. We have also done some minor editorial work to protect the identities of the people involved.
How long should the story be?
Most stories come in the body of an email, or attached as a Word document. We will edit the stories down to 500-2500 words, generally. But it's your story. We want you to be free to write as fully and completely as possible. Don't edit yourself. Your voice needs to be heard, so write what you feel, and don't get too worried about length. A few stories have been too short, too general, and we have asked guys to expand them a bit.
I still have feelings for my ex. I don't want to portray her as a monster.
We have gathered a wide range of stories. Some guys are very angry, of course. We understand that your emotions are complex, and sometimes the ones we love can hurt us the most. Don't worry, we want you to tell your story from your point of view, as truthfully as possible.
Do we get paid for our story?
Unfortunately we are a small operation, and we cannot afford to pay our contributors. Most of our writers have been happy to give us their story. They see it as a therapeutic exercise, a cathartic experience. Moreover, your story has the chance to do a lot of good for a lot of people.
Is there a deadline?
We are hoping to gather our stories between Summer and Fall of 2011. This blog will remain active, and your stories can still be told as the project goes further.
We want it in your words. We have laid out some sample questions in the "Week One" post. We have met a lot of great people via facebook and craigslist, but guys can post right here to this site as well.
Frequently Asked Questions:
Should I change the names of the people involved?
Generally, yes. For the protection of everyone affected, go ahead and change the names. There may be children whose identities need to be covered. There may be lawyers or officials involved, and no matter how badly you might want to talk publicly about someone who hurt you or mistreated you, you should still find a false name for them. We have also done some minor editorial work to protect the identities of the people involved.
How long should the story be?
Most stories come in the body of an email, or attached as a Word document. We will edit the stories down to 500-2500 words, generally. But it's your story. We want you to be free to write as fully and completely as possible. Don't edit yourself. Your voice needs to be heard, so write what you feel, and don't get too worried about length. A few stories have been too short, too general, and we have asked guys to expand them a bit.
I still have feelings for my ex. I don't want to portray her as a monster.
We have gathered a wide range of stories. Some guys are very angry, of course. We understand that your emotions are complex, and sometimes the ones we love can hurt us the most. Don't worry, we want you to tell your story from your point of view, as truthfully as possible.
Do we get paid for our story?
Unfortunately we are a small operation, and we cannot afford to pay our contributors. Most of our writers have been happy to give us their story. They see it as a therapeutic exercise, a cathartic experience. Moreover, your story has the chance to do a lot of good for a lot of people.
Is there a deadline?
We are hoping to gather our stories between Summer and Fall of 2011. This blog will remain active, and your stories can still be told as the project goes further.
Monday, July 18, 2011
Week One
I picked the wrong week to quit smoking.
I applied for this job on craigslist. My boss is a brilliant and insightful therapist with a passion for the subject. The idea is to create a book for men in abusive relationships. The project began in 2006, and stories started pouring in. I spent my first week going through the archives and reading the stories. Some are subtle; a guy tells of how the relationship began, and after a period of time, things go sour. Verbal abuse or lying, the sort of thing we hear about from time to time. The stuff we hear from friends going through painful breakups.
The next group are more extreme. Guys who have been physically abused and traumatized by the woman they love. Children are often involved, jobs and reputations are destroyed. They are all unique, but carry certain common threads. When the relationship is done, the man often says he will never allow himself to get close to anyone again. It's trauma, it's PTSD, it's a horrible situation. No one wants to be alone, but now these guys will choose a solitary life just to protect themselves.
One of the major questions is why he stays. When things turn bad, people stay, and they have their reasons. A child, a home, assets, and extended family. You can't blame a victim for their choices. They don't have good choices. And long after the relationship might seem over, and both partners are living separately, the abuse can continue.
I was shocked by some of the stories. I had to step away from the computer for a few minutes. I got on the patch yesterday, and so far so good. I remember my mother when she was working as a grief counselor, or working with abused young women. She took her work home with her. It became an obsession, the desire to help, to fix. She did amazing work with them, like I watch my boss now, doing amazing work with all kinds of people. I couldn't do it. Clinical therapists are strong enough to handle it. What I do as an editor of this book is just to try and represent the stories I see as best I can. These stories are in the guy's own words.
I'm collecting stories. If you have one, I'd love to hear about it. Leave it as a comment here, and your story could wind up in a book that could help thousands. Check in here from time to time. I have put out my feelers, on facebook, craigslist, all kinds of personal contacts. I'm becoming passionate about a subject I never quite understood before. And in these stories, I see my own reflection from time to time. In these guys' lives, I see my own, and it's terrifying.
When a friend is in trouble, we often ask them "Can I do anything?" I'm just glad to have something I can do. My boss and I can create a book.
I applied for this job on craigslist. My boss is a brilliant and insightful therapist with a passion for the subject. The idea is to create a book for men in abusive relationships. The project began in 2006, and stories started pouring in. I spent my first week going through the archives and reading the stories. Some are subtle; a guy tells of how the relationship began, and after a period of time, things go sour. Verbal abuse or lying, the sort of thing we hear about from time to time. The stuff we hear from friends going through painful breakups.
The next group are more extreme. Guys who have been physically abused and traumatized by the woman they love. Children are often involved, jobs and reputations are destroyed. They are all unique, but carry certain common threads. When the relationship is done, the man often says he will never allow himself to get close to anyone again. It's trauma, it's PTSD, it's a horrible situation. No one wants to be alone, but now these guys will choose a solitary life just to protect themselves.
One of the major questions is why he stays. When things turn bad, people stay, and they have their reasons. A child, a home, assets, and extended family. You can't blame a victim for their choices. They don't have good choices. And long after the relationship might seem over, and both partners are living separately, the abuse can continue.
I was shocked by some of the stories. I had to step away from the computer for a few minutes. I got on the patch yesterday, and so far so good. I remember my mother when she was working as a grief counselor, or working with abused young women. She took her work home with her. It became an obsession, the desire to help, to fix. She did amazing work with them, like I watch my boss now, doing amazing work with all kinds of people. I couldn't do it. Clinical therapists are strong enough to handle it. What I do as an editor of this book is just to try and represent the stories I see as best I can. These stories are in the guy's own words.
I'm collecting stories. If you have one, I'd love to hear about it. Leave it as a comment here, and your story could wind up in a book that could help thousands. Check in here from time to time. I have put out my feelers, on facebook, craigslist, all kinds of personal contacts. I'm becoming passionate about a subject I never quite understood before. And in these stories, I see my own reflection from time to time. In these guys' lives, I see my own, and it's terrifying.
When a friend is in trouble, we often ask them "Can I do anything?" I'm just glad to have something I can do. My boss and I can create a book.
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