Controversy in 'Dear Abby'

This is reprinted from a recent 'Dear Abby' column. The writer is unsure how to handle her grandmother's abusive treatment of her grandmother. I include this to illustrate how a popular news column can distort our ideas of abuse:

DEAR ABBY: I love my grandmother, but she constantly puts my grandpa down, even in front of the family. I know some of the harsh words she uses could be resentment built up over the years from past hurts. Still, if she talks so rudely to him when we're around, I wonder what she says when they're alone.

Grandma loves her family very much, especially the two of us grandkids. It just hurts that she's so mean to Grandpa. Immediately after she insults him, I'll ask her why she did it, but she acts like she has done nothing wrong.

I know it must hurt my grandfather to be treated that way so often by the woman he's been married to for more than 50 years. Should I address her about it in

private? -- WORRIED GRANDDAUGHTER

DEAR WORRIED: Your grandparents'

marriage has lasted half a century, so it's safe to assume that they have a fairly strong bond. It's possible that what you interpret as insulting is her way of communicating with him -- both in public and in private -- and that he tuned her out decades ago. You have already said she appears to think she has done nothing wrong, so unless your grandfather has in some way indicated that it is hurtful to him, my

advice is to leave it alone. It works for them in some way.

What do you think?