The Shock

Sometimes I read a story and I need to take a step away from the desk for a minute. I have been compiling some of the most intense stories I have ever read.

I send out invitations to people, many of them who are already telling their own story. If they are part of a group or a forum discussion, they may already be looking for an opportunity to speak out about their experience. Many of them have been looking around for books on the subject.

It takes a huge effort to dredge these stories up. It takes effort for men to write the stories in the first place. Many come to us, having been through grueling court battles. Some have recovered well from their experiences, and have gone on to live better lives, in new relationships. Some say they will never love again.

As an editor, I proofread and make small corrections. The writer's tone remains, and their words are incredibly compelling. This week I read a story of sexual abuse from Great Britain. Another story from Canada, which was interesting. It's wild to see how different legal systems deal with the problem. Much of the time, the legal policies are the same. The man is not often treated fairly in these cases. If he can prove he was abused, through medical records, police reports, then he has something he can use in court. Verbal and emotional abuse are harder to quantify.

A man in a forum asked How do I regain my sense of masculinity after what I have been through?

One reply recommended he move to Thailand, where men get a fair shake and great treatment by the law. I hear it's nice in Thailand, and I wouldn't stop anyone from finding peace anywhere they can. But it's not happening, in most cases. Most men have to stay and fight. Some have been so exhausted by the courts that all they can do now is write to us. They have no one else willing to listen.

I don't consider myself one of the abused. I have always been a good friend, someone who you can go to for relationship advice. Most of my advice has been good. Only once did I recommend that the guy moves out. I hated saying it. I was there when they first got together, and now I was telling him to split. It was devastating.

I hold no degree in social work, though the guy I work for is incredibly accomplished and accredited. I'm learning a lot. And some times it's overwhelming. Editing true stories of sexual assault against men. Stories of degradation, stories of being stuck. Much of the time, the abused partner stays in it longer than he/she should. Often because of children. Often times, they feel they must be the one to care for their spouse, even when the spouse is abusive. They are dehumanized after a while, and they actually think they deserve it.

Our agenda isn't anti-woman, by any means. We don't want anyone abusing anyone. The system is unbalanced, and abused men are swept under the rug, except in strange cases of penile abuse. If a guy gets his wiener chopped off, we will hear about it. But most people react first by saying "he must have done something to deserve it."

If he was abusive, he deserves to be prosecuted. No one deserves to be hurt.